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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Larry Hoover on June 10, 2005, at 12:06:33
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
> So, here's the thing. He did it on purpose.
>
> Let me say that again. He did it ON PURPOSE!
>
> Holy crap. I still don't quite believe it. He admitted it. Poor dear. Seems payback is a bitch, it seems. On his birthday, I was in a deep depression. I got him a lovely gift, but I just couldn't handle the dinner, so we did it another night.
>> I think we have a long and hard row to hoe here. I've been struggling with why I can't let myself let him in, in a number of ways. I know it's not realistic to believe that someone will never hurt you. But intentional hurt? I've just got to protect myself from that.
Hey, gg. First off, I'm sorry. Those closest to our hearts have the greatest leverage.
{{{{{{{{{{{{gg}}}}}}}}}}}}
I'm a silver-lining sort of guy, though.
Here's what I see. I see two people who love each other very much. And both of them have hurts. Both have inner child needs that haven't been met.
There are options. You can turn it into a blaming war. He shoulda, you shoulda, all that stuff. Nobody wins that.
Or both of you can sit down together and acknowledge how hard it is on each of you, to live through this all, together. I suspect he's feeling loss, a grieving, because he did not (truly, how could he?) know what it meant to marry a depressive. What he did to show you that was childish, but can you see past it?
And he's got to figure out how to accept that you don't do this on purpose. That it's not from bad choices, character defects, or not smiling enough.
I don't think either of you would be so hurt if it (your relationship) didn't matter so much.
I'm just tossing in my impressions. I hope they help.
Lar
Posted by Jai Narayan on June 10, 2005, at 14:48:05
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
GG seems like you got a lot of "gifts" for your birthday....
some of them unwanted.
passive/agressive behavor is no fun.My thoughts are with you.
Jai
Posted by JenStar on June 10, 2005, at 19:24:44
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
oh GG,
I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say, other than I'm sorry and you don't deserve that.((((gg))))
I'm sorry your birthday was sucky, and that he deliberately messed it up. That is so awful.
I hope you two can work out the issues and get happy again. I don't know how to do it, but I hope it happens.
Take care of yourself.
thinking of you!
JenStar
Posted by annierose on June 10, 2005, at 21:44:17
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
GG-
You're probably back in Chicago (I think).
Men, they just don't think like we do. Our brains are wired differently.
I do think as we change and grow and get healthier, it is scary for our husbands. Mine actually just admitted to me that he is afraid that I'm going to leave him (as I get happier with myself). I replied, "I wouldn't think of it if you acted with kindess and thoughfullness all the time." He replied sarcasticly. Typical.
My husband and I did the marriage counseling thing. Funny, the T focused mostly on my husband's behavior, and wanted to see him individually. That last only a few more sessions before my husband quit. :( Now we see my daughter's T in joint sessions. She can speak to my husband in such a way, he doesn't get defensive. And he listens.
Change is slow. Change is hard.
I hope if you did go to Chicago with him, you were able to enjoy his company and have a good time. I hope he said he was sorry a million times too. And I hope your headache went away.
You're very special. Don't forget that!!
Annierose
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:34:54
In reply to Re: Birthday blues » gardenergirl, posted by AdaGrace on June 10, 2005, at 10:03:28
Adagrace,
Thanks for making me giggle. It was a bit of a foreign sound, as it's been a few days. And of course I know you were kidding with these.> Suggestions for GG to gain her status back on the Birthday Queen pedestal:
> (Note: These should probably be done in private and not told to the recipient)
>
> 1. Drop his steak on the floor and put it back on his plate. (Now if this were at my house, that would have to be a chicken leg. Poor people have poor ways.)Five second rule???
>
> 2. Use his toothbrush to clean the gunk out of your jewelry. (Or the toilet if you dare!)OMG, I used to do something similar with my brother's toothbrush when I was a snarky teenager! (she admits with only a twinge of shame and a bit of an ewwww)
>
> 3. Hide the remote and say the kids/pet (insert appropriate scapegoat) must have lost it.Now this will be hard. We have too darned many remotes. I could take all the batteries out. ;)
>
> 4. Add rubbing alcohol to his after shave lotion. Don't be shy, that old addage that a "little dab'll do ya" just doesn't apply here.Oh my! This and the next one...devious. Too bad he doesn't use after shave. But I could start using his razor on my legs.
>
> 5. As a matter of fact, use his razor to clean the fuzz balls off your sweater. Be sure to get all that fuzz out from between the blades, you don't want any tell tale signs of anything being amiss. By the way, this one should probably be done before #4 for the most effective results.
>
> 6. Wait until he is taking a shower, and decide that the whites need to be laundered......in VERY hot water. "Oops, your didn't realize he was in there"LOL!!!!
>
> 7. Sprinkle lots of talcom powder on fresh new sheets, don't rub it in. Men hate pungent smells, he might have to go to the couch for the night.Won't work. He has almost no sense of smell.
>
> 8. Decide that everyone in the house must go on a diet, remove all sweets and fattening things from the house...or better yet, just hide that stuff in your closet so you know where it is when you need it......replace with not fat cheese, milk, you name it....."make it so".Again, not devious but would be helpful. He's diabetic.
>
> 9. Start a new tradition of "YOUR" house being the place for your friends to gather and have a weekly facial/nail/hair "Girl's Night In" party that lasts for several hours. This should probably be done on an occassion when you know he will be home, and preferrably in his way. Like say, the living room. You should probably let the air out of his tires so he can't escape. (Babblemail me for foolproof and non tracing instructions)I love this idea of having a gaggle of girlfriends come over. Hmmm, party at GG's?
>
> And last but certainly not least,
>
> 10. Have a perpetual headache. Now do I need to eeesplain dat to ju Lucy? Lets face it honey, sometimes the only way to get back at a man is to do it without them knowing it, but having the satifation that it was done. I find witholding sex tends to work more often than not.I won't go into why this would not have any effect in this case. Unless.....I could start demanding sex!! Oy.
>
>
> Now, GG, go out, get a pedicure, buy a new summer purse &/or shoes and a bottle if wine. Go home and prop your feet up, admire your new toe do, and plot your next move.......
>
> "Zippity do da, zippity ay, my oh my what a wonderful day........"
>
> Signed Me,
> The Deviant One.....(used to be full of Grace)
LOL, thanks again. Very good advice. ;-)gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:35:54
In reply to Re: Thanks for support--update--it's even worse » gardenergirl, posted by JenStar on June 10, 2005, at 10:03:55
Thanks Jen,
I could use all the hugs and chocolate (well maybe not all of that unless it is magic chocolate and doesn't add up) I can get.:)
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:37:25
In reply to Re: Birthday blues, posted by sunny10 on June 10, 2005, at 10:18:33
OMG, sunny. What a horrible story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. You know, I think birthday celebrations should be reserved for our girlfriends, who know what to do and what not to do.
Take care,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:39:46
In reply to Re: He did what???? » gardenergirl, posted by AuntieMel on June 10, 2005, at 10:24:28
> Sorry for being blunt, but that was just plain mean!
I agree. And I told him in even blunter and definitely more vulgar terms. Not an asterisk in sight.
>
> I'll happily come knock him upside the head, too. Don't mess with Texas! Or friends of Texans.My hero. :)
>
> Ok - calm down Mel.
>
> Revenge.....
>
> Public humiliation. How about you send a stripper to his office on his next birthday. A MALE stripper!Oh my. He works among engineers and among many um, shall I say, dang...can't think of a polite way to say this. I'll just say good idea. Would definitely humiliate him.
>
>
Thanks for making me smile.gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:43:09
In reply to Re: Thanks for support--update--it's even worse » gardenergirl, posted by fallsfall on June 10, 2005, at 11:19:59
> I'm glad you blew up at him. You have every reason to be angry at him.
Thanks. I still have this part of me that is horrified at my recent string of screaming banshee-like behavior. But the rest of me is screaming at that part to shut the you know up. And my T says (or least he did about the stupid parking guy) that I am being authentic when I was a screaming banshee. Wait a minute...what is he saying?? :)
>Thanks falls. I think I will tell him what you said. And I know my T will just shake his head and say "bad move" and "men are stupid." Of course he means that in the nicest possible way. Ha. You know, my ex-supervisor used to also say that men are clueless when it comes to women. Must be true, eh?
Thanks again,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:44:24
In reply to Re: Thanks for support--update--it's even worse » gardenergirl, posted by fallsfall on June 10, 2005, at 11:19:59
Or anyone's male loved ones or family or SO's or whatever.
Unless you want to call them that yourselves.
See me backpeddle.;)
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:51:26
In reply to Re: Thanks for support--update--it's even worse » gardenergirl, posted by Larry Hoover on June 10, 2005, at 12:06:33
>
> Hey, gg. First off, I'm sorry. Those closest to our hearts have the greatest leverage.Thanks, I agree. That's what makes being emotionally intimate so risky.
>
> {{{{{{{{{{{{gg}}}}}}}}}}}}
>
> I'm a silver-lining sort of guy, though.
>
> Here's what I see. I see two people who love each other very much. And both of them have hurts. Both have inner child needs that haven't been met.I think you are right. He keeps his hurts and needs very very very deeply held, though.
>
> Or both of you can sit down together and acknowledge how hard it is on each of you, to live through this all, together.We started this last night. Of course only after I finished screaming and then told him it was disrespectful for him to continue whatever he was doing on the computer while I was talking/yelling at him. And getting him to talk about ANYTHING personal is excrutiating. It truly is. He cannot say anything comfortably without thinking it entirely through and choosing his words carefully. And he wants his life to be so ordered, as well. I have depression, and it appears also mild ADHD. My brain is not and never will be so ordered. It never will be linear. But he does think I do or don't do what I do on purpose. You're right, it would help for him to see that in me, and for me to know more about his hurts. Sigh, but did I mention excrutiating? It's progress, though, that I don't bail on these conversations like I used to. I've learned patience.
We also decided to have a weekly meeting to "take the temperature" of our marriage. And he admitted that this will be scary for him, and he is likely to not follow through. That was good to hear him say, because I would just get angry and assume he didn't care if he just didn't do it.
>I suspect he's feeling loss, a grieving, because he did not (truly, how could he?) know what it meant to marry a depressive.
This is why I want him to go to counseling, too. Because I don't think I can help with that the way a good T could.
Thanks for your input Lar.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:52:04
In reply to Re: Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by Jai Narayan on June 10, 2005, at 14:48:05
Thanks, Jai.
Next time, maybe folks will just send cash?
sigh
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:53:31
In reply to Re: Thanks for support--update--it's even worse » gardenergirl, posted by JenStar on June 10, 2005, at 19:24:44
> oh GG,
> I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say, other than I'm sorry and you don't deserve that.It is hard to know what to say. It's absolutely stunning. I knew I was going to blow up, but I didn't even know what to say. It was just so inconceivable.
>
> I hope you two can work out the issues and get happy again. I don't know how to do it, but I hope it happens.Thanks, I hope so too.
>
> Take care of yourself.
> thinking of you!
> JenStarHmm, maybe time for another massage and pedicure. Thanks again.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 1:00:06
In reply to Re: ((((((GG)))))) in the Windy City ... again! » gardenergirl, posted by annierose on June 10, 2005, at 21:44:17
> GG-
>
> You're probably back in Chicago (I think).
Not yet...tomorrow night.
>
> Men, they just don't think like we do. Our brains are wired differently.Heck yah. His is like a straight line. Mine is like little Billy from the cartoon the Family Circus. You know, when he has to go run an errand, and mom says go straight there and come straight back, and he goes all over the place? Welcome to my brain.
>
> I do think as we change and grow and get healthier, it is scary for our husbands.Yes, I think so, too.
> Mine actually just admitted to me that he is afraid that I'm going to leave him (as I get happier with myself). I replied, "I wouldn't think of it if you acted with kindess and thoughfullness all the time." He replied sarcasticly. Typical.
Yuck. But at least he mentioned his vulnerability. That's something. And then probably needed the sarcasm to cope with the anxiety.
>
Sorry the marriage counseling didn't work, but it does sound like positive things are happening with your daughter's T. Good for you for taking care of your family by making sure they get wha they need in terms of help and support.
>
> I hope if you did go to Chicago with him, you were able to enjoy his company and have a good time. I hope he said he was sorry a million times too. And I hope your headache went away.I hope we do, too. About the apology: Not a million times. Just once. And it was not all that heartfelt, but then again, he's a vulcan. (Spoc, nothing like you!). I had to ask him later if he did, because I couldn't remember. Did I mention earlier that he thought I would just be "a bit peeved"? um, guess again.
>
> You're very special. Don't forget that!!Takes one to know one. :)
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 1:01:41
In reply to Re: ((((((GG)))))) in the Windy City ... again! » gardenergirl, posted by annierose on June 10, 2005, at 21:44:17
And about that headache. Back in the archives, there is a thread about curing the crying headache. http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030407/msgs/218059.html
I have tried this before, and it has never failed me.
I always forget where the hot and cold go, though. So I finally bookmarked the page.
May you never have to try this. But if you do, it works. That and a couple of excedrin.
gg
Posted by Dinah on June 11, 2005, at 9:21:21
In reply to Crying headache rememdy from the archives, posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 1:01:41
Awww, sweetie.
I hope you two have a terrific time in Chicago and are able to reconnect.
That seems like such a defining moment in a relationship that filling the time immediately after with good experiences would be bound to help the relationship overall. You've learned something important about him, but maybe you'll also be able to remember some other important things about him.
And I know from what you've said that he has many fine and useful qualities. Try to focus on those. Or on how the same qualities that drive you to tears on some occasions serve you well in others. (At least that's true of my husband).
Posted by Jai Narayan on June 11, 2005, at 15:25:54
In reply to Re: Thanks for support--update--it's even worse » Jai Narayan, posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:52:04
I'll remember that...
what would you like?
$100,00
or a cool million...
it would be so much fun to have so much money you could give it away to people...
gosh maybe next lifetime?
Jai
Posted by sunny10 on June 12, 2005, at 14:21:01
In reply to Re: Birthday blues » sunny10, posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:37:25
> OMG, sunny. What a horrible story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. You know, I think birthday celebrations should be reserved for our girlfriends, who know what to do and what not to do.
>
>
> Take care,
> gg
>
I think you might be onto something here...My birthday falls on a Wednesday this year and I think my SO is planning to go visit his dad that following weekend... He doesn't even realize it; the dates haven't clicked with him... His dad talked about "in three weeks" terminology instead of dates-
Men are simply clueless about this I think!
Posted by AuntieMel on June 13, 2005, at 13:12:16
In reply to Re: Birthday blues » gardenergirl, posted by sunny10 on June 12, 2005, at 14:21:01
Mine's on a monday this year. Today. I'm going to celebrate by going to the orthopedist.
Posted by Dinah on June 13, 2005, at 18:25:42
In reply to Re: Birthday blues » sunny10, posted by AuntieMel on June 13, 2005, at 13:12:16
Happy birthday to youuuuu.
Happy birthday to youuuuu.
Happy birthday dear Meeeelllllllll.
Happy birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuu.:)
If the orthopedist helps, it'll be an excellent birthday present.
Posted by fallsfall on June 13, 2005, at 18:30:06
In reply to Mel? Today's your birthday?, posted by Dinah on June 13, 2005, at 18:25:42
Happy Birthday!!! Hope you knee feels better after you see the Dr.!
Posted by partlycloudy on June 13, 2005, at 20:37:55
In reply to Re: Birthday blues » sunny10, posted by AuntieMel on June 13, 2005, at 13:12:16
And happy birthday to your knees. I hope they get a good present.
pc
Posted by chemist on June 13, 2005, at 20:53:21
In reply to Re: Birthday blues » sunny10, posted by AuntieMel on June 13, 2005, at 13:12:16
Posted by gardenergirl on June 13, 2005, at 22:28:03
In reply to Happy birthday, AuntieMel!, posted by partlycloudy on June 13, 2005, at 20:37:55
Posted by sunny10 on June 14, 2005, at 7:37:20
In reply to Re: Birthday blues » sunny10, posted by AuntieMel on June 13, 2005, at 13:12:16
fun,fun,fun....(snort) I'll probably wind up doing something equally exciting...
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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