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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 74. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 13:33:39
You guys know what is good about this board? I don't have to pretend anything.. I can be just what I am.
I don't have to pretend that I am happier or cheerful or more capable or less capable, or that I am feeling better than what I really am feeling..
I don't have to get over things too soon, I can vent all I want. And nobody says anything about insisting that I progress faster than I really want to.
It is a great thing - to be able not to pretend even a little bit. I wonder I even didn't have that luxury with my therapists. I always wanted to appear stronger than I really was, pretended I was in control sooner than I really was, because I didn't want to burden the Ts also. I wasn't lying to them, but I think it was my inherent coping mechanism that I always had with my dad - to pretend things were fine when they weren't and I was afraid of being weak, and emotional and sentimental and vulnerable. Here I am completely free. That is really great.
Posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 14:48:27
In reply to I don't have to pretend anything here, posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 13:33:39
I am hooked on to babble.. almost like an obsession. Why is it so addictive?
I am somtimes finding that there are not enough threads in here...
I think I can continue to babble 24 / 7.. Maybe I should become a psychologist.. I seem to really enjoy this journey of discovery - understanding the various nuances of emotions and mind. Think I should change my career? I seem to enjoy this a LOT.
Posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 15:01:05
In reply to And it is so addictive, posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 14:48:27
He is so into computers, and I am so into psychology. I think he should have been a computer engineer and I should have been a psychiatrist :-).. Maybe that is why God made me see him - and him me.. to understand that we need to change roles..
Hmm.. he has retired from being a psychiatrist.. and maybe I should retire from being a computer engineer.. I am supposed to write a pop server now, and have absolutely no interest whatsoever in writing it. I have somehow managed to finish my work, but all the time I am spending in babble.. and I like this so much. Not in the least bit interested in programming anymore.
Posted by happyflower on May 8, 2005, at 17:20:53
In reply to I don't have to pretend anything here, posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 13:33:39
You sure have been doing a lot of thinking lately! It is great to see your progress and your upbeat happy mood lately. There is hope for all of us to be happy when we see others happy! Thanks! By the way, I am curious, why do you call yourself pinkeye? You don't have to tell me if it's personal, I guess I am just nosey! lol
Posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 18:10:25
In reply to Re: I don't have to pretend anything here, posted by happyflower on May 8, 2005, at 17:20:53
Thanks Happy Flower. I have been understanding things a lot lately.. Actually I think I have a pattern of thinking - when things get emotionally very hard, I start thinking a lot..All these things about parents and abuse and leaving my ex T and all this stuff has been very hard for me..and I have to take some more important decisions in life - like returning back to my country, and I have been crying on and off a lot, and I am thinking I am just substituting my brain for my heart right now.. I do that a lot.. my brain is lot stronger than my heart, and I kind of try to be logically very strong, when my emotions are too overwhelming.. Sometimes the speed of my thoughts is unbearable for me.. I used to think it was a good thing before, now I am realizing that I am actually supressing my emotions with that speed.
It is very interesting to me to observe myself nowadys..Like I am mirroring myself or something a lot. I don't know if it is good or bad, but sometimes it is very scary.
Regarding the name, I don't know why I chose the name.. I wanted something with pink - and I think I thought something about redeye flights also at that time, and I combined the too. I think I initially tried something else, and that yahoo id was already taken. It doesn't have any signifcance.
Posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 18:31:36
In reply to Re: I don't have to pretend anything here » happyflower, posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 18:10:25
And I think it is just a coping mechanism I developed. My dad used to scold my mom a lot primarily for that reason - saying she is stupid and not intelligent and dumb. And I remember my father scolding me a lot on that basis also when I was a child.. And I think I must have figured that to escape his wrath, I better be smart. And besides, almost all along I was all alone, so had nothing else to do other than my brain to play with. So I started it as a hobby - to just think about things and understand things. And it actually helped me deal with the emotional mess a lot of times.
Posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 19:11:52
In reply to Re: I don't have to pretend anything here, posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 18:31:36
Hmmm. It is actually not thinking.. it is more obsessing and ruminating. It is not good, and it is not making me happy. At the end of the day, it is only making me more sad.
I think I am abusing this board :-)
Posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 19:22:14
In reply to Re: I don't have to pretend anything here, posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 19:11:52
And I think I do all this, because deep inside, I am very hurt, and very scared and feel very rejected. Too much of guilt, and self blaming and confusion and conflict and feeling ashamed..and feel too unworthy of happiness and being liked and loved.
I think that is the end of the tunnel.. reached the bottom. How do I climb up from here? Can someone help me?
Posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 19:30:03
In reply to Re: I don't have to pretend anything here, posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 19:22:14
Posted by happyflower on May 8, 2005, at 21:14:27
In reply to Re: I don't have to pretend anything here, posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 19:22:14
Posted by gardenergirl on May 8, 2005, at 22:59:29
In reply to (((((((((((Pinkeye)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) (nm), posted by happyflower on May 8, 2005, at 21:14:27
pinkeye,
I wish I had a magic want to heal all Babblers. I just have hugs and hope.Oh, and chocoalate.
sending it express...
(((pinkeye)))
gg
Posted by fallsfall on May 9, 2005, at 8:36:45
In reply to I don't have to pretend anything here, posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 13:33:39
>It is a great thing - to be able not to pretend even a little bit. I wonder I even didn't have that luxury with my therapists. I always wanted to appear stronger than I really was, pretended I was in control sooner than I really was, because I didn't want to burden the Ts also.
Being able to be who you truly are is very freeing. Imagine how it would feel to be able to be truly you with your therapist - a real live person!
I have found that it is worth the risks.
Posted by Tamar on May 9, 2005, at 13:09:22
In reply to Re: I don't have to pretend anything here, posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 19:22:14
> And I think I do all this, because deep inside, I am very hurt, and very scared and feel very rejected. Too much of guilt, and self blaming and confusion and conflict and feeling ashamed..and feel too unworthy of happiness and being liked and loved.
>
> I think that is the end of the tunnel.. reached the bottom. How do I climb up from here? Can someone help me?I'm sorry you're feeling so bad at the moment. Sending you hugs.
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 13:22:16
In reply to (((((((((((Pinkeye)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) (nm), posted by happyflower on May 8, 2005, at 21:14:27
Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 13:22:41
In reply to Re: (((((((((((Pinkeye)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))), posted by gardenergirl on May 8, 2005, at 22:59:29
Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 13:27:23
In reply to Re: I don't have to pretend anything here » pinkeye, posted by fallsfall on May 9, 2005, at 8:36:45
I have tried to be.. as much as I understood myself at that point, I have been honest with my ex T.. except maybe the part about my dad.. and it is very hard for me to put my father down in front of his eyes.. Now I am actually realizing that I didn't have to protect my dad so much. Maybe my ex T would have understood.. But I feel like what if he had thought, "Oh, I thought she was only little bit messed up, now it is great to see how messed up she really is".. And I couldn't have taken it. I guess I was really scared, and I didn't realize how much all this was affecting me at that time either.. I thought I was ok. And I wanted him to like me, and I was so desperate for his approval also, maybe that is why I tried to get better so much with him. I felt ashamed - that he wouldn't like me if he knows what I did with my dad.. about allowing him to be physically so close to me etc.. even though now I realize it was totally not my fault.. I never once initiated any thing with my dad, and I tried to pull several times away from him. But he simply wouldn't let me, and I was afraid of hurting his feelings.
Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 13:28:19
In reply to Re: I don't have to pretend anything here » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 9, 2005, at 13:09:22
Thanks a lot Tamar. You have been really supportive to me. I am sorry I have triggering a lot lately, and in a constant bad mood. I wish I was not.. Thanks so much.
Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 15:34:05
In reply to Re: I don't have to pretend anything here » fallsfall, posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 13:27:23
I have been having this intense desire to now go back to my ex T and tell him everything, and somehow get some understanding from him. Because I think that would really help me.
He is philosophically very strong person, and he might be able to help me out of all this guilt and unworthy feeling..
But I am so goddamn scared.. What if he never replies? I would be devastated completely.. and even if he replies and says something like back off or don't write to me anymore, I will be completely gone.. and I think I don't really want a therapeutic response anymore either. I want a response from like a friend, like how you guys give me here.. The kind of non commital and blank slate response is the last that I need now also.
Hmm.. no, maybe I just better keep it all to myself.
> I have tried to be.. as much as I understood myself at that point, I have been honest with my ex T.. except maybe the part about my dad.. and it is very hard for me to put my father down in front of his eyes.. Now I am actually realizing that I didn't have to protect my dad so much. Maybe my ex T would have understood.. But I feel like what if he had thought, "Oh, I thought she was only little bit messed up, now it is great to see how messed up she really is".. And I couldn't have taken it. I guess I was really scared, and I didn't realize how much all this was affecting me at that time either.. I thought I was ok. And I wanted him to like me, and I was so desperate for his approval also, maybe that is why I tried to get better so much with him. I felt ashamed - that he wouldn't like me if he knows what I did with my dad.. about allowing him to be physically so close to me etc.. even though now I realize it was totally not my fault.. I never once initiated any thing with my dad, and I tried to pull several times away from him. But he simply wouldn't let me, and I was afraid of hurting his feelings.
Posted by Tamar on May 9, 2005, at 16:27:52
In reply to I wish I could tell my ex T all this but scared, posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 15:34:05
> I have been having this intense desire to now go back to my ex T and tell him everything, and somehow get some understanding from him. Because I think that would really help me.
(((((pinkeye)))))
> He is philosophically very strong person, and he might be able to help me out of all this guilt and unworthy feeling..
>
> But I am so goddamn scared.. What if he never replies? I would be devastated completely.. and even if he replies and says something like back off or don't write to me anymore, I will be completely gone.. and I think I don't really want a therapeutic response anymore either. I want a response from like a friend, like how you guys give me here.. The kind of non commital and blank slate response is the last that I need now also.I can totally understand that you want to contact him and that you hope for a friendly response. But didn’t you say he’d stopped being a therapist? So maybe he wouldn’t reply.
> Hmm.. no, maybe I just better keep it all to myself.
Or maybe talk to your new T about it? It takes time to get through all this stuff and sometimes it has to be revisited over and over again. But it’s probably important to keep doing it until it starts to get easier.
And, of course, keep posting at babble!
Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 16:38:51
In reply to Re: I wish I could tell my ex T all this but scared » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 9, 2005, at 16:27:52
Thanks Tamar. You are right, I won't be getting a reply. I think he will never write anymore to me again, and I just have to let go and accept it.
Besides, he probably would have forgotten me by now as well. And it will probably appear like I am trying to manipulate him into writing to me again - by inventing some new sob story.
And besides I think they are not taught too much about all these transference and everything in India. He won't be able to grasp what I am going through, and maybe he will think I am just trying to flirt and cling on to him. He never was into too much regressing into childhood and stuff. Actually, anybody else in India would have straight away gone to that conclusion (that I am just trying to be flirty) if I had told them about all these attraction and stuff. Atleast he had much more exposure and common sense than other psychiatrists in India. A cousin of mine went to somebody else (a couple of other psychiatrists) and told me that both of them had absolutely no clue what they were talking about. She said they were totally worthless and really had no idea whatsoever about anything in life. I am glad mine had lot more knowledge and understanding than that.
I guess I will stick with babble and my new T. The problem is I am so connected to him, so it would really help me. But maybe that is not the point.. maybe I should try to heal by myself.
Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 16:52:08
In reply to Re: I wish I could tell my ex T all this but scared » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 16:38:51
And besides, if I go and complain to anyone in India, they would say, "So you think you have got problems? Who doesn't. Shut up and get on with your life"
By Indian standards I am so so so much better off than 99 % of the population. Kids go through much more horrible times with their parents, and there is so much of poverty and illiteracy and so many other issues, that my issues are all nothing compared to it.
I did have my share of problems - but to a common person in India, my life is like everything they could ever dream of. I think my ex T also thought of me the same way, that I was some over spoilt brat with nothing else to do than complain and vent and into all this psychology business. I remember 2 and a half years back, he said after the first few sessions, that I was completely fine, and I didn't need any therapy after that. It has been 3 years now since then, and I am still needing therapy.
There is a huge huge difference in how they approach therapy in India and in the US. I am realizing that only now. Here people have all the luxury in the world, and they spend time and money and effort into becoming better persons. In India survival itself is a question, where is the time to become more happier and better?
> Thanks Tamar. You are right, I won't be getting a reply. I think he will never write anymore to me again, and I just have to let go and accept it.
>
> Besides, he probably would have forgotten me by now as well. And it will probably appear like I am trying to manipulate him into writing to me again - by inventing some new sob story.
>
> And besides I think they are not taught too much about all these transference and everything in India. He won't be able to grasp what I am going through, and maybe he will think I am just trying to flirt and cling on to him. He never was into too much regressing into childhood and stuff. Actually, anybody else in India would have straight away gone to that conclusion (that I am just trying to be flirty) if I had told them about all these attraction and stuff. Atleast he had much more exposure and common sense than other psychiatrists in India. A cousin of mine went to somebody else (a couple of other psychiatrists) and told me that both of them had absolutely no clue what they were talking about. She said they were totally worthless and really had no idea whatsoever about anything in life. I am glad mine had lot more knowledge and understanding than that.
>
> I guess I will stick with babble and my new T. The problem is I am so connected to him, so it would really help me. But maybe that is not the point.. maybe I should try to heal by myself.
Posted by Shortelise on May 9, 2005, at 17:11:16
In reply to I don't have to pretend anything here, posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 13:33:39
THanks pinkeye - another blessing to count, and that always helps.
ShortE
Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 18:10:05
In reply to Re: I wish I could tell my ex T all this but scared » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 16:38:51
hmm on second thoughts.. maybe he might be able to understand me.. Maybe he knows about all these stuff like transference and stuff..maybe they didn't teach him too much, but I think he would have learnt it on his own. I think I should give it one last try.
And he might be able to help me out..And I can repay him by helping others. I know I have taken too much of his time already, but atleast I am helping others..and maybe he might think it is worth helping me.I don't know. But I think I definitely need to move past all these guilty feelings, and shame and anger and hurt and undeserving feelings somehow.. and taking too much repsonibility and too much of blame.. and all these confusion and conflict. It might save my life, and I could save several more if I am well.
I am breaking my head over this :-(
Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 18:29:16
In reply to One last try?, posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 18:10:05
I am just obsessing here :-(
I think he meant that I shouldn't write anymore to him in his last email.. Otherwise he would have said I could write a few times more or something..And he made it very clear that he is very indifferent to me.. he said there was no question of liking me or disliking me. I think that means don't come here looking for approval anymore. and he said he found it difficult to keep helping me again and again as well..
So maybe it is a not a great idea. I am sure if I pester him anymore he will come back and say something harsh.. and I can't take it.
I am going to stop it here. no more of rambling.:(.. sorry guys.. it has been a very hard few days.
Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 18:38:18
In reply to Maybe not a good idea, posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 18:29:16
I have read somewhere that people keep going in circles like me again and again.. better, worse, better, worse?
Do you guys think I am like that? That I go round and round in circles?
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