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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by lonelygal2 on January 25, 2005, at 12:10:34
In reply to Re: So sorry Lonely gal » mair, posted by lonelygal2 on January 24, 2005, at 22:44:44
everything sucks.
Posted by mair on January 25, 2005, at 13:40:44
In reply to :(, posted by lonelygal2 on January 25, 2005, at 12:10:34
Hey LG - where exactly do things stand now? Are you going to see the pdoc? Have you followed up with getting an appointment with a new T, as awful as that may sound to you? Is recent- disaster-therapist still urging you to maybe go to the hospital, or still insisting that she check in?
I read what you wrote about blaming yourself for trying to get help in the first place; that you wish you could take everything back and just take care of yourself without the help/intervention of others.
I think I've felt as you do before, mostly when someone I looked to for help has disappointed me or when working with my T just seems to be too hard. It's like I want to retrench. Seemingly other people can't be relied upon and I don't want to feel that I need other people because I can't depend on them anyway. For me, this more likely means I don't want to feel the hurt associated with being let down in some way. What makes it worse for me is that I then blame myself for being foolish enough to seek help or for even being in a position where I think I have to ask for help.
I don't know what your dx is (mine, or at least one of mine, is chronic major depression). My T needs to remind me sometimes that it's not something I have total control over and it's not something I can "will" away, which is what I'd like to do. And unfortunately, one of the things that happens to me when I'm most depressed, is that my strongest tendencies are to withdraw. So when I need people the most, I shy away from them.
Does any of this sound like something you are feeling or have experienced.
You've been dealt a low blow. You were not in great shape before; with a lot of encouragement here, you took the step of seeking help, and pretty much the worse thing happened. The T you saw, not only told you she couldn't see you, but having committed that atrocity, she compounded it by trying to dictate where you went and what you did after her in terms of getting help.
You can't undo any of that, and it's so understandable that you hurt bigtime. God, it's bad enough having to ask for help; awful if you get rejected and have to ask a second time.
But you have too much value to let this stuff defeat you. You need someone on your side; working with and for you. If recent-disaster- therapist didn't fill the bill, please try to find someone who does, even if it seems just too hard to seek help again.
I just know there's a better support network out there waiting for you.
Mair
PS: I wish I could be more help. I have a meeting in about an hour and somewhere I have to go tonight, so I won't be able to check the Board for several hours, but I should be able to get back on for a bit anyway at around 9-9:30.
Posted by lonelygal2 on January 25, 2005, at 19:38:29
In reply to Re: :( » lonelygal2, posted by mair on January 25, 2005, at 13:40:44
i've been trying to figure out what to say to reply but i have no clue what i think, so whatever.
everything you said though- yes i feel that way.
she's been insisting on calling, yes. not sure if she's calling tonight. the contract i signed involved a call at a certain time in the morning.
no i haven't made an appt w/ a new t or pdoc. yes, she keeps bringing it up. she wants me to come in tomorrow to talk about 'the next step' as in her referral, but i've given a big enough stink about how unfair that she gets to call everything in my voicemails, she finally just left a message saying that if i didn't want to come, it is my choice, but that i need to leave her a voicemail saying that i am terminating, it's the whole liability thing. she doesn't want me to die and then like ruin her career before it even starts. which okay i can see that. whatever.
i e-mailed my ex-t that i missed so much and my ex-pdoc and of course they didn't e-mail me back. i just sent a one liner to them saying that my therapist dumped me as the subject and if anyone cares as the message. they both had told me before that they wouldn't be opening more e-mails. that's why i didnt' really write a message b/c i figured they would only see the subject line? so i guess i expected no response and that's what happened. it just sucks.
whatever.
i once again feel nothing inside. it's just sort of like whatever.
> Hey LG - where exactly do things stand now? Are you going to see the pdoc? Have you followed up with getting an appointment with a new T, as awful as that may sound to you? Is recent- disaster-therapist still urging you to maybe go to the hospital, or still insisting that she check in?
>
> I read what you wrote about blaming yourself for trying to get help in the first place; that you wish you could take everything back and just take care of yourself without the help/intervention of others.
>
> I think I've felt as you do before, mostly when someone I looked to for help has disappointed me or when working with my T just seems to be too hard. It's like I want to retrench. Seemingly other people can't be relied upon and I don't want to feel that I need other people because I can't depend on them anyway. For me, this more likely means I don't want to feel the hurt associated with being let down in some way. What makes it worse for me is that I then blame myself for being foolish enough to seek help or for even being in a position where I think I have to ask for help.
>
> I don't know what your dx is (mine, or at least one of mine, is chronic major depression). My T needs to remind me sometimes that it's not something I have total control over and it's not something I can "will" away, which is what I'd like to do. And unfortunately, one of the things that happens to me when I'm most depressed, is that my strongest tendencies are to withdraw. So when I need people the most, I shy away from them.
>
> Does any of this sound like something you are feeling or have experienced.
>
> You've been dealt a low blow. You were not in great shape before; with a lot of encouragement here, you took the step of seeking help, and pretty much the worse thing happened. The T you saw, not only told you she couldn't see you, but having committed that atrocity, she compounded it by trying to dictate where you went and what you did after her in terms of getting help.
>
> You can't undo any of that, and it's so understandable that you hurt bigtime. God, it's bad enough having to ask for help; awful if you get rejected and have to ask a second time.
>
> But you have too much value to let this stuff defeat you. You need someone on your side; working with and for you. If recent-disaster- therapist didn't fill the bill, please try to find someone who does, even if it seems just too hard to seek help again.
>
> I just know there's a better support network out there waiting for you.
>
> Mair
>
> PS: I wish I could be more help. I have a meeting in about an hour and somewhere I have to go tonight, so I won't be able to check the Board for several hours, but I should be able to get back on for a bit anyway at around 9-9:30.
Posted by mair on January 25, 2005, at 21:01:25
In reply to Re: :( » mair, posted by lonelygal2 on January 25, 2005, at 19:38:29
I'm sorry if I'm not as conversant as I should be with your history. Why are your ex-pdoc and ex-T saying they won't open any emails from you?
You have 2 obvious choices with regard to the recent-disaster therapist. You can terminate her in a formal way; take a breath, and start the process of finding another T as soon as possible, or you can meet with her one last time just to get some ideas about other Ts. You don't have to process all of this with her; you don't have to tell her again how much she hurt you or how angry you are. It's not that those are bad things to say; I just think I'd leave them for the next T. Giving you the name or names of some other Ts is the one thing this woman can actually do for you which might be of value. If you can detach yourself a bit from how hurt you are that she dumped you, I see no harm in using her in a way which might be of tangible benefit. I think the detachment will help you from the feeling that you're saying too much to her also.
Like it or not, your old support system of your ex-pdoc and ex-T is not there for you and your attempt at forming a new one hit an unfortunate roadblock. Given all that I understand the urge to just deal with things on your own. This would be fine if dealing with things on your own doesn't also mean withdrawing into yourself. It would for me, however, and I get the sense that it's your tendency now too.
Keep posting.
mair
Posted by lonelygal2 on January 25, 2005, at 21:21:16
In reply to Re: :( » lonelygal2, posted by mair on January 25, 2005, at 21:01:25
about an hour ago, i did leave a message and said that i terminated.
my ex-pdoc and ex-t told me that they wouldn't be in contact with me b/c i'm in another state, that i needed to establish a relationship with a new t, that it would not be helpful, yada yada.
i'm thinking my ex-pdoc though would be more flexible and contact me, already people from her office (another pdoc who i dont' want to talk to) have called me and left a message saying that she is out-of-town for a week. oh, i should say that after the appt when this girl was trying to get rid of me, gosh was that just yesterday, anyways, well on the way home i called ex-pdoc's office and left a message with the receptionist too. so maybe that's why they are calling from that office, btu whatever. oh and ex-t was a student and is apparently not liscensed too yet, another reason she gave me and her supervisor, but whatever. i don't care.
oh and you asked me abotu diagnosis earlier, and i don't really know, i had ptsd or acute stress disorder or whatever, the same almost, as a diagnosis when i first started seeing ex-t, but as of lately not sure, but guessing depression. whatever.
i'm all alone again. just sucks. i knew that it would never be any different for me. to think otherwise is just silly.
Posted by mair on January 25, 2005, at 21:34:28
In reply to Re: :( » mair, posted by lonelygal2 on January 25, 2005, at 21:21:16
Do you have a name or names of another T to try and of the pdoc she recommended, just in case you decide to give it another chance?
Mair
Posted by lonelygal2 on January 25, 2005, at 21:37:34
In reply to Re: :( » lonelygal2, posted by mair on January 25, 2005, at 21:34:28
i have the name of someone, not sure who she is, but i don't wanna.
i wanted the other disaster girl.
Posted by mair on January 25, 2005, at 22:01:47
In reply to Re: :( » mair, posted by lonelygal2 on January 25, 2005, at 21:37:34
I'm not sure you could really "want" someone you saw so little. If I recall, you didn't really "want" her at all. We sort of pushed you to give her a chance; you went once and found out she wasn't so bad. - until of course you found out she didn't want you. (I'm putting that much too harshly; I assume she didn't want you meant that she had neither the time nor the skills)
Try not to make it seem like she was your last best choice. I don't know what it's like in your area, but in my relatively sparsely populated area, the Ts seem to far outnumber almost every other profession, except maybe the realtors.
Mair
Posted by mair on January 26, 2005, at 15:27:03
In reply to Re: :( » mair, posted by lonelygal2 on January 25, 2005, at 21:37:34
Posted by lonelygal2 on January 26, 2005, at 15:50:27
In reply to Please let me know how you are (nm) » lonelygal2, posted by mair on January 26, 2005, at 15:27:03
not okay
Posted by shrinking violet on January 26, 2005, at 16:51:51
In reply to Re: Please let me know how you are » mair, posted by lonelygal2 on January 26, 2005, at 15:50:27
{{{{{{{{{{{{{LG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
If you come online, please come on AIM. I'll be waiting for you.
Hang in there hon. I hurt with you.
SV
Posted by lonelygal2 on January 26, 2005, at 20:03:30
In reply to Re: Please let me know how you are » mair, posted by lonelygal2 on January 26, 2005, at 15:50:27
i hurt too much.
why can't anything be easy.
Posted by lonelygal2 on January 26, 2005, at 20:08:45
In reply to Re: Please let me know how you are, posted by lonelygal2 on January 26, 2005, at 20:03:30
and i really don't understand how people are supposed to deal with all of their struggles. doesn't everything just suck for so many of us. like what is the point of all of this. i feel like once things go sour and everything is screwed up in one's life then isn't it like game over? some things just aren't possible. i'm not really sure on any specifics of what i'm thinking, it just seems like once it's hopeless, it's more than likely that things will always be problematic and then your life is screwed. i guess what i'm talking about is the loss of perfection. that bothers me. i will now always be imperfect. i'm a mess. everything is all messed up in my head.
Posted by pinkeye on January 26, 2005, at 20:17:48
In reply to Re: Please let me know how you are, posted by lonelygal2 on January 26, 2005, at 20:08:45
you know, life doesn't have to be perfect. Life consists of putting blocks in the biggest leaks - and as long as you manage that, nothing more is really needed. There are several million people who don't even have food to eat the next day. You are in a much better position compared to lots and lots of people. Will it be possible for you to think of how blessed you are and try to be happy with that?
Posted by lonelygal2 on January 26, 2005, at 20:42:23
In reply to Re: Please let me know how you are, posted by pinkeye on January 26, 2005, at 20:17:48
i know that i have a lot of material things. i know that many people don't. i do feel for people who are starving.
besides people who are actually dying though b/c they have nothing to eat or that they are sick and with no medicine, etc, i have visited very poor countries before and have met people and families who are living very meager lives. but one big thing that surprised me, is that some of the poorest people i have met are also the happiest. they seem to know what is impt- like family, happiness, etc and in a way i'm envious of that and they have something precious that i dont' have.
i feel like by your post that you think i am some awful, ungrateful person. maybe i am. lets add another fault to the list.
maybe i should just be sucking it up and stop being a baby.
i don't know. whatever.
Posted by pinkeye on January 26, 2005, at 21:02:38
In reply to Re: Please let me know how you are » pinkeye, posted by lonelygal2 on January 26, 2005, at 20:42:23
no, I never meant to say that you are an awful, ungrateful person. For that matter, I am like you as well, have lot of material things, yet I am not such a great happy person and I am working on that myself as well. I was trying to help you see things maybe in a different light - which has helped me a little bit.
Posted by CareBear04 on January 27, 2005, at 15:03:51
In reply to Re: Please let me know how you are » pinkeye, posted by lonelygal2 on January 26, 2005, at 20:42:23
lonelygal,
i've been away for the past week and am just now catching up on this thread.
i'm sooo sorry that things have been the way they are. your ex-t sounds like one i had last year. i hated him and hated his threats of involuntarily hospitalizing me or calling my school to tell them i'm not ok to come back. threats are not the way to go. i agree with you about not signing contracts. i've never signed because i don't make promises i can't keep, and when i'm as bad off as you are, i can't trust that i can keep a promise not to hurt myself. i also think that suicide is such a huge thing that the person who is considering it has a lot more on her mind and a lot bigger betrayals to consider than one little contract. and i hate that your ex-t forced you to sign the contract or else formally terminate. she's the one who dumped you, and i feel like she's so scared of litigation that she's forcing you to do things that you shouldn't have to do. recently, i was in the hospital, and they caught me off guard and told me they would discharge me the next morning. i was super-pissed and refused to stay another night. they tried to make me sign out against medical advice, and i just laughed at them because they were kicking me out, and there was no way in hell i would take on their responsibility and absolve their risk as well as my own. i'm so sorry that this ex-t hurt you and then tried to cover her own *ss. i guess that's why students should be supervised, but i guess the system failed in your case.
please, please don't take it to mean that no one can help you. my best friend said to me once when i was ready to die that just because one person can't help you, that doesn't mean that no one can. there IS someone who can meet your needs, but i know it's frustrating to keep looking while still missing your old T and pdoc.
as far as thinking of the people worse off than you-- i know the person who said that didn't mean to insult you, but i would take it personally, too. your problems are huge and important; they're not trivial. there are surely people in the world who have immediate physical needs and needs for safety from others, and it's definitely tragic and worth thinking about, but your needs are important in an immediate and different way, and they deserve consideration and attention as much as any other person. a life lost or a person suffering is important, whether it's someone starving in another country or someone materially blessed but suffering nonetheless. don't think that you're selfish or ungrateful! you're not! just focus on feeling better! you can't do anything to help other peoples' suffering until you feel better yourself.
sending you lots of hope and good wishes.
love, cb
Posted by lonelygal2 on January 27, 2005, at 22:39:12
In reply to sending you lots of hugs, posted by CareBear04 on January 27, 2005, at 15:03:51
thanks carebear.
yes, this past week has been crazy for me.
right now i'm just starting to see the humor in all of it. granted earlier this evening i spent 2 hours chatting with someone on a crisis line (b/c i very much did not see any humor in anything) and prior to that this afternoon i called twice to the center where i saw the latest therapist and talked with another student who actually listened to me complain/cry/get angry, etc and seemed to care too and try to help and explain to me why the other therapist was not abandoning me or that it wasn't meant for me to feel like i'm being punished or sent away.
it's been quite a day/week/month and i just hope it gets better.
this evenign after talkign to crisis center lady i looked up a name of a random psychiatrist from my insurance book and left a message. i feel like my biggest priority is for me to get an anti-depressant back. i will worry about the therapy and finding a therapist later i guess, but i just want my medicine, and i really really pray that there will be no problems or dilemmas and that this lady just calls me back tomorrow and lets me make an appt and that everything runs smoothly for once, please God please, i'm begging.
Posted by lonelygal2 on January 28, 2005, at 11:30:55
In reply to Re: sending you lots of hugs » CareBear04, posted by lonelygal2 on January 27, 2005, at 22:39:12
bad dreams this morning, and missing my old t or really just anyone who will care in person and help me
Posted by CareBear04 on January 28, 2005, at 12:35:55
In reply to sending you lots of hugs, posted by CareBear04 on January 27, 2005, at 15:03:51
hey lonelygal!
i'm so glad to hear that you've been taking care of yourself and staying safe anyway you can. i'm glad, too, that you're being proactive about seeing a pdoc. meds can be really helpful; i've had some bad trials with some, but others have saved my life. i hope that's the case for you. take care and keep posting about how you're doing! love, cb
Posted by pinkeye on January 28, 2005, at 15:29:38
In reply to Re:, posted by lonelygal2 on January 28, 2005, at 11:30:55
Will you be willing to write to me? I can set up an email account - maybe babble account if you want. I am not a therapist - but I have some common sense and been through therapy myself and maybe of some help.
Posted by lonelygal2 on January 29, 2005, at 10:49:09
In reply to Re:, posted by pinkeye on January 28, 2005, at 15:29:38
umm, okay.
and i know that i took what you said wrongly the other day, i dunno i'm just not doing so well.
> Will you be willing to write to me? I can set up an email account - maybe babble account if you want. I am not a therapist - but I have some common sense and been through therapy myself and maybe of some help.
Posted by pinkeye on January 30, 2005, at 15:05:40
In reply to Re:, posted by lonelygal2 on January 29, 2005, at 10:49:09
hi lonelygal,
you can write to me at [email protected]
I don't seem to be able to turn on babblemail.
pinkeye.
Posted by lonelygal2 on January 31, 2005, at 17:50:08
In reply to Re:, posted by pinkeye on January 30, 2005, at 15:05:40
i want a therapist that cares, darn it.
is that too much to ask for?
Posted by lonelygal2 on January 31, 2005, at 17:51:42
In reply to Re:, posted by pinkeye on January 30, 2005, at 15:05:40
i've thought about e-mailing you, but i don't even know what to say. and i don't want to whine to anyone anymore or be annoying. :(
> hi lonelygal,
> you can write to me at [email protected]
> I don't seem to be able to turn on babblemail.
> pinkeye.
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