Posted by kara lynne on May 30, 2003, at 13:00:18
Hi everyone,
I'm feeling disconnected and really lonely. Lately all I want to do is sleep.Things are not going well with my boyfriend and after my big test (in a few weeks) I'll be back on the apt. hunt. Nonetheless I'm feeling guilty for avoiding accompanying him to some functions. It's a big weekend for him, with lots of business contacts, dinners and parties. I do have to study, but I'll have a hard time getting out of everything. My boyfriend doesn't pay any attention to the fact that things have deteriorated between us, and goes on like nothing is wrong. (Part of the problem in our relationship is that he funnels 99.9% of his energy and focus into his work.) I find it hard enough to go to these events under the best of circumstances, but painful to do them like this.
Still, avoiding them l feel like a phobic loser. I wish I could put on a dress and feel good enough to go hobnob with the beautiful people. They aren't bad people, they're probably just happy, and therfore quite foreign to me. On the other hand I have nothing to contribute, nothing real is talked about, and my jaw starts to tremble trying to maintain that manic grin all evening. I don't think I've ever left one of those events feeling better about myself for having gone.
I know there are times to push it, but right now I just can't. Any day soon my boyfriend and I will have "the conversation" where we acknowledge that it's not working out between us. Meanwhile I hate looking at myself through his eyes, where I know I'm being seen as a person who can't carry on in his environment. It feels terrible.
I know self-esteem is an inside deal, but isn't there something to feeling better about yourself when you're with someone you love? Or at the very least, not feeling worse about yourself? Well all my tragic flaws seem to be magnified with him. And although he's no peach himself in many ways, I'm sure I'll be the one counting my imperfections to sleep when we split up.
I had a gruesome dream last night. I dreamt I was watching my old boyfriend and his wife having sex at a swinger party! I just stood there, looking into first his eyes, then hers, then back at his. Then I saw them with their two children, just living life, having fun, having sex, having children. How tormenting can a dream be? How unkind can one's subconscious be? Or else how bad is this Celexa (the nightmares have started since I began taking it a few weeks ago).
I don't know what I'm asking for. I feel disconnected here as well. I hope someone responds so I don't feel too stupid. Thank you.
poster:kara lynne
thread:230242
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/230242.html