Posted by 10derheart on January 16, 2011, at 21:45:08
In reply to Re: ((((((10derheart))))))))) » 10derheart, posted by Daisym on January 5, 2011, at 0:33:40
Thanks for all your empathy, daisy. It means more than you might know.
Sigh. I don't know how I am. It changes daily.
I cannot attribute all bad motives, cowardice and foolishness to him. It doesn't fit who I've grown to know him to be over 6 years. (And this is independently confirmed by others who know him - he really, truly is a good, decent, honorable man full of integrity.) Maybe a little bit of of the latter two, but there is no way he'd want anything but what's best for me or do something haphazardly or out of selfishness.
The silence is just so surprising and deafening. And of course I *hate* the lack of control. At least before I could use sending emails - including periods with no replies - as a means of lessening anxiety. If he was reading them, the world kept turning properly. Now...he does not read them and I will not write more and put myself through the disappointment over and over...
My newT and I just can't figure - even if this decision came from a place where he felt this was the thing God wanted him to do to cut the ties with me as the healthiest thing...that he refuses to TELL ME that or talk to me AT ALL. It seems to exacerbate my pain and paint him in an odd light. Some days I think he tired of me finally, as a person, and just ran away, or he's got a personal issue I never understood, or he's jumping to a weird conclusion about how I was going to behave AFTER therapy was over, or this, or that...all the speculation wears me down.
In our faith tradition (mine and my former T's) we believe that God often orchestrates and allows scenarios like this for teaching and refining purposes. I have always believed this about our entire relationship, possibly even including the sudden termination nearly a year ago (wow-I can't grasp it will be a year next month) despite how much it hurt and how "wrong" I thought it was to do in that way. I can even get myself to understand that may be the *only* way my T could have gotten me to accept any end to the therapeutic relationship and that in the extreme suffering there was huge growth. No, I'm not sure yet, but maybe. I do remind myself what we consider as "wrong" "too hard" or "too much to bear" does not necessarily mean God's plan for me and (certainly long-term since it's eternal!) view are the same. Look at what people have to endure in this life...soooo many things far worse than a beloved T. clumsily and violently ending therapy, then trying to fix that, then....
It's the "then" I cannot abide so far. It's just nonsense. We're grownups, I thought. I was given Zero chance to demonstrate how I would relate to him post-therapy as he cut me off before that could happen. I am SO frustrated. I will probably mail him something I write in the next 1-2 months, but I am wary because I will never know if he reads it or walks from the mail to the shredder. No emails read, voicemail - no way to know if he listens, snail mail no way to know anything either. :-( This is so insane. Nothing like the openness and honesty over the vast majority of our relationship. Actually, *all* of it. He was honest even when he terminated me, honest in that he didn't really know what he was doing, was afraid to do it any other way, and did hurt me terribly. Honest does not mean proper, desirable, correct, or even good. Just the truth of what he experienced internally.
But the now is just so wrong. I feel it in my bones. I just don't know whether God would like me to wait patiently and let Him - and time - work, or actually do something. Some days I think I'll go crazy if I don't do something and some days I just don't care. That apathy feels like depression, though, and it's beginning to worry me.
I am rambling. Just don't know anything yet....
MDD (presently in complete remission); ADD-Inattentive type; mild anxiety (not fomally dx'd)
Meds: Strattera 80 mg q day
poster:10derheart
thread:974055
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101228/msgs/977041.html