Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 13, 2009, at 0:37:58
In reply to Re: Can I just skip the next phase? A Ramble. » FindingMyDesire, posted by workinprogress on May 13, 2009, at 0:17:49
WIP -
Thanks for the loan! ;-)I sometimes share my journal with her, but it's been awhile. I think you might be right that this one would help. I'll think about that! And I get the part about her not giving me everything I want, which in reality I probably wouldn't want some things - but it's the part about being OK feeling the want. Right? I think.
I actually don't so much want to date her. I do feel in love with her and very attracted to her. But I know that it's in the context of this type of relationship. In reality if she even tried to shake my hand I'd probably freak out. LOL
I'm dealing with a lot of issues around my gender and sexuality. I don't feel seen by my partner - or the world really. But I think one thing I do is project the perfect lover scenarios onto her (because I can since I have no real information) and then have these fantasies as a way to imagine what it would be like to be truly seen. So, while all of that part is happening I'm not feeling so childlike around her and she is seeming like a "lover" to me. Her so much as acknowledging something I am trying to explain that is so deeply connected to my sense of self gets me all worked up. Plus, it does intensify things that she is my age and totally "my type." I mean, I suppose this is all happening as it should and may not have been so powerful had she not fit this description. *more sighing*
However, in re-reading my post I totally see a lot more of that mother connection than I had seen before. Sometimes I can't see that type of relation with her cause it's impossible to mix it up with the arousal feelings. Plus, my own mother is not such a "mother" type to begin with - which is part of my collection of issues around lack of mothering. phew.This is really the topic I'm most interested in discussing with others (the attraction/gender/sexuality piece). *sigh* Thanks for letting me know you are a safe person to mention this stuff to.
FindingMyDesire
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:895298
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/895470.html