Posted by raisinb on September 17, 2008, at 11:59:57
I'm awash in confusion. I've changed very rapidly in the past six months (not to mention monkeying around with different med trials) and most of the time I feel like I don't know myself--and I'm experiencing feelings about therapy I haven't had before.
My therapist told me a couple of months ago that she's pregnant again and will be going on maternity leave (about 6 weeks) in mid-February. I had a terrible reaction to this, initially, and ever since, she's brought it up every session.
Ever since I can remember, I've been afraid of being abandoned and rejected by her. I had violent, near-suicidal reactions to canceled sessions or evidence of indifference several times. I usually feel intense love, sexual attraction, or at the very least, a deep connection. If I am angry at her, it's because of real or perceived rejection.
But for the first time ever, I kind of wish she'd start canceling sessions. I feel guilty even writing this, but to tell the truth, I'm sick of her. When she brings up her pregnancy, I feel annoyed, and want to say, "you know, this is *your* problem. I didn't do this. It isn't my fault. Why do I have to talk about it? Why do I have to spend my therapy time on it?" I wish I could get away from her in these moments. I understand why she's pushing me on this; it's what I would've wanted her to do, and what I still think, intellectually, she *should* be doing. But I go in and I feel like I have to do all this work that isn't properly mine. Or something like that.
For the first time, I feel things toward her that I feel, as an adult, towards my mother. I hate hearing my mother's whiny, needy voice on my phone. I hate having to be *her* mother. I get sick of her and I want to be alone when I have to spend a lot of time with her. I don't feel nearly this level of aversion towards my therapist (and it's mixed with the love and appreciation I do still feel) but it is still scary because I know this relationship is the most important one in my life (even though I don't feel it very often lately) and I don't want it to disintegrate.
I am just confused. Is it termination time? I don't feel any huge horror or sadness at the idea. But why not? It's just strange. And the circumstances right now are just not conducive to terminating the right way, if she's going on leave in February. Maybe I've just emotionally detached without realizing it, because of her pregnancy? If so, how do I reverse it when I didn't realize I was doing it? Is it just the meds?
I don't know. I am just confused. I don't know who I am or what I feel, the last few months. Sorry for the long post. Any wisdom would be appreciated :)
poster:raisinb
thread:852457
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/852457.html