Posted by lucie lu on September 2, 2008, at 21:32:07
In reply to My T is back and we met today (long), posted by lucie lu on September 2, 2008, at 12:56:37
I have been trying for some time now to respond to all the amazing posts in this thread. There are just so many very interesting thoughts to follow up on, so many points of common contact but also those questions that it seems we all have trouble answering. The long and the short of it is that I am going to have to take a time out before I can reply in any that would due justice to your thoughtful and honest posts.
I am just a mess tonight. The only thing I can figure out at this point is what many of you have identified as the step forward-step backward dance of connection-disconnection-reconnection. It cannot be accidental that I have just made some really major new progress, during his absence no less, and then suddenly am catapaulted back into early-childhood, almost thumb-sucking. That is confusing and humbling enough, maybe a little humiliating actually, but even that's not the worst. The worst is that suddenly I am re-experiencing, as I was alluding to, some of the worst stuff we went through together. This is pouring out today from a door that I really thought we had sealed off pretty thoroughly. And if I don't get a grip pretty soon, I'm going to be in crisis again and I haven't been like that for so long. It used to be my usual state in those days or at least it seems so when I look back. I know that if I really do unravel I can always call my T. But I really don't want to. I want to find my own ground if I can, and just hold on, and wait for this to all pass over like a dust storm. But it's comforting to know that I really am not alone except for when I really need to be.
poster:lucie lu
thread:849897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080826/msgs/849992.html