Posted by muffled on December 25, 2007, at 1:59:02
In reply to Re: Dear Santa (trigger) » muffled, posted by DAisym on December 25, 2007, at 0:46:41
> Beauty? Kind of a stretch there Muffled - but thanks. It made me smile.
I wrote something to T, where I said 'the beauty was not gone.' She assumed it was the beauty in my inner kid, but I'd actually meant the beauty in the world was not gone. But that beauty was overshadowed by badness, but it was not gone...
But then I thot bout my Franchesca(my inner baby), and how sweet and pure she is, and I thot she IS beautiful....and she, is in me...weird...but oddly comforting somehow.
And sorry to tell you, but there's been times I have read what you have written, and I have seen beauty. Like or lump it Daisy, you got beauty, you do.
> It isn't so much the badness winning as it is being tired. Tired of feeling ineffective in a world that doesn't seem to care about kids and tired of wishing so many things were different. I want to fix it all, to protect them all. And I can't even protect myself. I used to believe that I could make a difference...now I just feel like I'm tossing pebbles in a pond.*a few sessions ago, I was talking to my T, saying i couldn't stand the badness. I couldn't stand the bad thots in my head. They were so disgusting.
She of course delicately asked the question of why did I feel my thots were disgusting, and it crossed my mind that she wanted to make sure I wasn't having bad thots towards kids, she may have asked right out, don't remember. But I had to explain to her that my bad thots,was that I WORRY so much bout ALL kids out there. I can look at kids in my kids school, and sometimes I sit there and think.....there are MANY kids walking past me right now who are being abused....and noone knows. And I feel enraged and helpless all over again. That I can't somehow stop it. I can't know which kids are hurting and help them, protect them.Be beside them and keep them safe. Hold them in my arms if they feel safe w/that, and just let them feel safe and not alone for a bit with their secrets. I used that word too, protect, I said i wanted to protect them all. But I felt so dirty and disgusting to even be thinking that way, that my thots would dwell on this horribleness.
But you know Daisy, if you manage to help even 1 single child to feel less alone.....then that is work well done. What if that child had been me, or you....just one child helped is HUGE. And then maybe, just maybe, that child will be able to help others too.
I know the world seems like such a horrible cesspool at times, but there is good too. Sometimes it may be hard to find. But its there....somewhere...> ug - It isn't just work but so many things. But thanks for the support and encouragement.
*well, if its of any use to you to post here, post away....
I dunno where your at, but sometimes the world seems so w/o hope for me. But we gotta keep trying. I wanna try and be good. I wanna try and do some goodness in this dark world. My light is dim, I reckon it was damaged, but I gonna shine what light I got and keep trying.
Like my T says, sometimes when we just don't know what else to do....we just keep going...
> I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your children.
> Daisy*Thanks Daisy. I hope your Christmas is OK too.
You've said lotsa good stuff whats helped me when you post.
You are very insightful into interpersonal stuff often.
Thanks.
M
poster:muffled
thread:802407
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071215/msgs/802513.html