Posted by muffled on December 23, 2007, at 23:23:10
In reply to Re: So here's a question...., posted by caraher on December 23, 2007, at 9:22:12
> From my male perspective, what she says about men wanting the woman to "be there" is spot-on. Frankly, masturbation strikes me as a much better option.
*Well thats good. I dunno if my DH has a clue bout how to y'know M....
> Your question was, "Is it unfair for a wife to expect a DH to go w/o sex for years?" "How can I have an intimate relationship with my DH?" And don't misconstrue "intimate relationship" as a euphemism for sex, but take it at face value.* I am trying to be better at other things, but I not good at any kind of intimacy, period.
> I think he deserves to know how just hard sex is for you. The important part is to make it very clear that this is your problem with sex in general, and not something about him. When he "tries now and again" I think you do owe it to him to refuse with as much love and kindness and sympathy as you can muster. Sharing your innermost thoughts is always a hard thing, but if you can't do that your relationship cannot be considered very intimate, can it?*No, we love each other , but not intimate. I dunno bout that. Scares me somehow.
I have said to DH that its not him, but its me. I try not to be nasty. Cept one time, he kinda pushed a bit, and all I did was punch him in the arm, not very hard, but he scared me, and he was rather offended...:-(
> The critical thing from seldomseen's post is that you work toward becoming closer. Being closer includes sex, but that isn't necessarily the biggest or even most important part. But it is still a part you should not neglect.* an extreemly good point there....
> Another facet of your question is the way it focuses on your husband. You might ask yourself, is it unfair to *you*? Right now that question might seem absurd, given how you feel about sex. But enjoying sex within an intimate relationship is a genuine pleasure - why shouldn't you be able to have that? The day when that question starts to make sense may seem a long way off, but that doesn't mean you can't take steps in that direction.*oh. I guess I don't have a clue what I am missing so mostly it don't bother me. Cept one time someone tells me bout how wonderful it is to be w/her man, and I was kinda thinking...shitorama...hmmm, THAT sounds OK I guess...
I mostly feel selfish, cuz I did it before, why can't I just get past this and do it for him, even if I wooden bout it. Mebbe thats better than nothing.
> Fairness. I think your husband has the right to expect you to acknowledge as normal and healthy his need for some kind of sexual outlet. He should be able to "now and again" see whether your comfort zone has expended enough to accommodate his desires (and in turn you have the right to expect him to respect the boundaries of what feels safe to you when you communicate that to him). I think he would be within his rights to expect you to work towards a healthier view of sex. And you have the right to expect some things of him as well. If you were in an extended coma would it be "unfair" to expect him do forgo during that time? The way I see it, you are injured in a way that makes a "normal" sexual relationship impossible at the moment.*oh....you ARE saying clever things. i gonna have to digest this stuff some. Send it to T also if you don't mind?
I am trying to learn to not always blame myself and put myself down as being bad. To try and say its not all just my own damn fault. But its hard to refute that its NOT my own damn fault when I got not memories. So then I say...OK...I AM just being a selfish IDIOT. Arrgghhh. I gonna have to lokk thru this post. Its very good.>That's only "unfair" the way life seems cruel and unfair anytime someone has a horrible illness or injury. You aren't choosing to "punish" him (for whatever) by withholding sex; that could be unfair.
*NO! I want him to be happy. Thats why i feel so bad. SO bad. I KNOW it would bring him great happiness, and he is trying so hard to make me feel desirable etc.
God I just wish I could somehow do it, but I literally start feaking out, I can't stand the feeling of scaredness.
Thank you so much. You gave me much to think about.
M
poster:muffled
thread:802166
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071215/msgs/802368.html