Posted by peddidle on February 1, 2007, at 20:34:15
I saw my T today, and she was asking me about how I was feeling and stuff. She could obviously tell I wasn't feeling great (not that I ever feel 100%, but still). She asked me if I was feeling depressed again, or more than usual, etc. I said, yeah, maybe. So she asked if I thought it was a medication issue. I said no; I guess it could be, I just really don't want to start messing around with my meds. It took until the end of the session, but I finally said it was probably because the 2nd anniversary of my best friends death is coming up next week.
I wasn't lying when I said that, but I think I should have told her more. I should have told her that I've felt like crying all day today, but couldn't. Although, right now I feel like it's going to come on at any time (oh joy)... It's sort of an ongoing joke with us, about how she needs to crack my head open somehow to find out what's in there, and how she just wants to strangle me sometimes so that I'll actually say something or show some sort of emotion (all in a joking way). She said that I "self-monitor" everything I say. (maybe she said "self-censor"? I can't even remember now) That's the first time she ever used that term with me, so I of course googled it, but everything I've found said it's actually a good thing. She said she could see that I want to say something, but then, for some reason, I just stop. That's what happend at the end of the session. She kept pushing me until I finally said it. She asked if I do that in other situations too...I said I didn't know, which, I guess, may have answered that question.
She asked me if it would be easier for me to talk if I wrote stuff down or emailed her stuff to read. I said no, but she told me to consider doing it anyway. which led to us joking about using sign language or smoke signals :P.
Anyway, sorry to keep rambling, but I don't understand why I can't just answer her when she asks me a question!! I love talking with her and joking and stuff... why can't I answer her when she asks "how are you feeling?" or even a simple "what's up?"? What is wrong with me? I often have conversations with her in my head. Well, they're more like one-sided conversations where I just think about all the stuff I want to tell her...so why can't I tell her when I actually have the chance?! Then I end up leaving at the end of my session thinking about things that I wish I had said.
I know you guys are probably going to say that I should bring this post in and show it to her, and that's a good suggestion, but I don't think I can even do that...probably for the same reason that I can't talk during therapy, which is that I DON'T KNOW!!!
Thank you so much if you've read this far.
poster:peddidle
thread:728859
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/728859.html