Posted by Tamar on February 25, 2006, at 10:13:15
In reply to Re: I’ve changed my mind: it’s too scary (TRIGGERS) » Tamar, posted by Daisym on February 24, 2006, at 18:17:31
> I want to ask you to please not hurt yourself but I do understand the urges and the release.
I wanted to hurt myself again today but I was able to resist. It wasn’t easy; the urges were strong, and also my legs don’t match and I wanted to get them looking the same (I think I’m completely nuts!). But I’ve decided my legs don’t need to match; maybe I’ll wear odd socks too!
> I think I'm like you; When I get sideswiped I go into automatic "it's fine" mode and really work hard to keep the other person from knowing how I'm feeling. I think I'm embarrassed to be having a strong reaction, even in therapy. And I have a need to carefully look at something privately before I share my feelings and reactions. So stream of consciousness is really hard for me.
Yeah! I’m very embarrassed to have a strong reaction, especially if I feel hurt. I worry if I show I’m hurt people will know how to hurt me again. Being able to hide my hurt feels like some kind of survival instinct.
> However, I do make it a point to try to take back to therapy my thought process and how I felt initially, what I think happened and why. It is important to be honest, even if it is uncomfortable. And even if you can't do it in the moment.
Yes. I HAVE to talk about this next session because I can’t bear for it to happen again. And I always had a kind of agreement with myself that I wouldn’t cut my breasts, because I figured if I allow myself to cut my breasts I don’t know where I’ll stop. So I think this was (for me) an indication that some of my feelings really are intolerable. I’m pretty sure that my therapist’s theoretical orientation involves keeping transference out of therapy, but he’ll just have to deal with it because I can’t handle it by myself any more. I know this cutting was hugely transferential; I know it’s about my father, and I know it’s about rejection. But knowing isn’t enough any more…
> I do understand that standard "I don't think it is helpful to you if I tell you that" answer. But I always want to answer, "I trust you with some really personal things...you can trust me with this." And when I don't get an answer, I'm mortified that I even asked. I feel like I broke a rule, I stepped over the line and God forbid, I made him uncomfortable somehow. I hate that feeling! Feels like I get an F in therapy that day.
An F in therapy: yeah, that’s it exactly. I feel like I’m doing it wrong. I want a guidebook or a map or something. And I’d really like the forbidden territory to be marked with some bright colour so I don’t go there by accident. I don’t like being kicked out.
> *sigh* ((((Tamar)))) Feel better soon. I'm glad you posted today.
Thanks Daisy. I’m glad I posted too! I don’t know what I’d do without Babblers…
poster:Tamar
thread:612762
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060225/msgs/613050.html