Posted by daisym on September 1, 2005, at 22:39:27
Pushing yourself to be honest in therapy is really hard. So much of what we need to say is painful or embarrassing. Or the brain shuts down because of emotional overload and the words disappear.
I've had a week like this. The true roller coaster of being weepy on Monday, then numbing out yesterday and back to weepy today. Why? He wanted to talk about his vacation. I've been avoiding talking about it. He told me where he was going and I was really surprised. Then I got upset. Then I got mad. In the mix are all these angry feelings at my mother, so I know there is a lot of transference going on. And I keep telling him he feels different, like he isn't as available as he use to be. Can you spot the projection yet??
But the upset over his vacation isn't just about him leaving me. This time I'm jealous. I'm jealous that he is going away with someone who makes him happy, who he wants to be with and whom he is connected and close to. The fact that she is his wife is beside the point. I'm envious of the happiness I imagine they have as a couple. It makes me feel lonely and sad about what is missing in my life. It makes me feel intrusive for having feelings for an obviously happily married man and presumptuous...who do I think I am to feel this way? I feel so unattractive.
I told him most of this today. I told him I was completely embarrassed but these feelings were in the way and I needed to untangle them from the work we are doing around my mother. We talked again about loving someone and how many different levels of love there are, from so many parts of me. And we talked about attraction and the feelings that go with that. I told him how I was feeling about him going away with someone and how running into her a few weeks ago made me feel. (He didn't know that had happened, I never told him.) He said he was glad I told him all this today and he wants to talk about this stuff. He was calm and sweet and understanding.
But he never said what he thought about the CONTENT of our discussion. He always says that I can say anything, that he wants to hear from all sides of me. He believes in talking about things over and over again. But, I think there is a difference between wanting honesty about what I'm thinking and being OK with what I just said. Does that make sense?
This is all so complicated. And the feelings so intense. I'm very worried that I'm finally crossing over into the "I wish I didn't have this patient" territory. I mean, didn't I just tell him today that I was mad that he was going on his vacation with his wife? Don't I want him to be happy? *sigh* He said even if I'm mad at him, he is still coming back from his vacation. And we will still keep working together. I guess that's good, right?
I left him message saying I was worried and I wanted to know what he thought about the content. And then I left another saying that I didn't want to be rejected out loud. But if he was mad he should tell me.
And then I turned off my phone. I'm such a mess...
poster:daisym
thread:549855
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/549855.html