Posted by alexandra_k on August 17, 2005, at 18:13:55
In reply to Re: Terrible Session » alexandra_k, posted by cricket on August 17, 2005, at 7:37:30
Okay... So... I get a bit worried about some of the things I say sometimes. Not sure whether I am helping or harming.
Sometimes I really don't know what I'm talking about. For example... That stuff about not needing to dig. That all lies open to view. I really have no idea where on earth I read that. I have no idea how reputable the source was, what their rationale for saying it was, whether there is consensus on that issue or not, whether there is a better rationale for an opposing pov. All I know is that it sounds reasonable to me, but then all I really know is that digging HURTS. And I do have a tendancy to rationalise...
So I don't know...
> Yeah, just part. There is another part that wants to curse him out. "Yo, get your head out of your b*tt. I show up each and every f***ing week, no matter what, because I think you're stupid. What kind of half a**ed logic is that."
> Okay, maybe I won't let that part out anytime soon ;-)Yeah. Thats hard. Contraries, opposing view points. If there is a part that is afraid he will think her stupid... Then it may well be that there is another part that thinks he bloody well is stupid. Because parts tend to exemplify polar views. So maybe the Jung stuff is on to something after all... But teasing out the parts can be hard... And it can be hard if you just end up with a muddle of all kinds of opposing views. So very hard to make sense of it all...
I rationalise. My main defence. And my form of escape is to go away and rationalise something. The trouble is that I'm pretty good at it (if I do say so myself) and mostly manage to convince myself that I'm right. But its poorly motivated :-( I worry about that some. That my writing on DID isn't as objective as it should be for an academic piece because I have an agenda to push. Because I'm personally involved. Because I appreciate some of the consequence of what I'm saying. Because I'm careful to avoid the stuff that hurts.
So... I don't know.
> > > > > I don't think he is genuine. He puts up some officious front like a social secretary and that's all I get.Yeah. Thats hard. I feel like that mostly with p-docs. Hard to know how much to push and how much to respect that 'cause maybe its something they need to do for their sanity... Then I guess there is also the point about how some people want / need to have faith in their clinician. To feel like they are competent and in control and they know what to do and know what they are doing. And how much it is okay for them to say that they don't know. Hard to find the balance...
> Yeah, I think it may be a sensitivity to the formality
Sounds like the formality is an issue.
Have been thinking about this...
Maybe what I want sometimes is for someone to really walk beside me for a while.
And, for me, part of that is them feeling stuff alongside me.
But then most of my feeling states are horrible.
And so thats a big ask.
It has to be draining.
And so they pull back.
And I can't say I blame them.
And how fair is it to ask them to walk beside me anyways
When its such a horrible walk
I don't know
:-(
Sorry... My stuff... Not being very helpful again
<sigh>> am I just scratching at the facade and he doesn't like it?
Maybe. But then I don't think it is supposed to matter so much whether he likes it... It is supposed to be about him helping you to get better.
I don't know what to say.
I think that sometimes I need to be extra nice. To say how much I appreciate them. To do little things to show them. Because I am so hard to work with :-( And its too easy for them to feel disheartened. But its hard.
> Yes, I hope I can. Even if we decide not to work together anymore, he certainly did try. For more than three years he tried and that's more than anyone else in the world ever has.
:-)
You might want to tell him that.Sounds like its the coolness that you are having a hard time with...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:542514
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/543143.html