Posted by mair on April 28, 2005, at 16:35:26
In reply to Re: My session yesterday » mair, posted by littleone on April 27, 2005, at 15:44:46
The way she described it to me, is that it's important that there be someone to share my pain or hold my pain - this is a concept which is beyond me. In fact when she asked me why it was so important for me to talk to her about my suicidal thinking even if I wasn't really at risk, I couldn't come up with the most basic answer which is that it would decrease my degree of isolation. I should get this because she talks about it all the time - my tendency when I am most depressed to emotionally isolate myself and as I might put it, totally live inside my head. She pointed out to me that nothing about me outwardly changes when I'm depressed. I pretty much look the same and act the same, and she wouldn't know how bad off I am if I didn't tell her. (why can't she see the dark circles under my eyes?) I guess, in her view, it's easy for me to inwardly isolate myself because no one is likely to notice that there's anything wrong.
Before I slipped into this current episode, my therapist and I had been working pretty hard at some issues which have been tough for me. It was difficult and occasionally traumatic, but I felt pretty good about it because I felt that I was stretching myself and maybe actually making some progress. Thus it was doubly upsetting to have to abandon those topics - and we really did have to abandon them because I couldn't begin to sustain the calm or attention to really work on them. Being depressed usually means that I'm tons more anxious generally. My actual experience is that since getting more depressed, I mostly just talk about how miserable I am and she tries to remind me of all that there are several reasons why I should feel confidence that I am going to pull out of this. I feel bad about my end of our sessions - like it's just so much whining, but it is keeping us connected in a way that I'm sure is important and maybe that connection will make it easier to pick up with meatier stuff later on when/if I feel more competent.
Between my vacation and hers, I went a 2 week stretch without seeing her. Normally that's not a very big deal but this time the 6 day stretch from when I got back and my appointment today seemed interminable and I must have told her several times today that I was really glad she was back. Also I jumped at her offer to see me tomorrow. This is just so unusual for me - to feel so acutely that I need her and be able to express that need even in a limited way.
I don't really know what it means.
Thanks for asking - I'm sure this is a much longer answer than you were looking for.
mair
poster:mair
thread:485802
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/491055.html