Posted by pretty_paints on August 21, 2004, at 5:17:46
Ok, it's a saturday and there's no-one I can call, so I'm gonna explain something and see if any of you guys can help me. It's kinda related to both meds and therapy, so I'll post on both boards.
The issues I've been dealing with in therapy are to do with having an emotionally distant mother, who didn't give me much attention. When I was 16 I broke up with a guy, and EVER SINCE, I've had the feeling he was looking over my shoulder. He was ALWAYS there, everything I did was an act FOR HIM. I did it without even realising that I had stopped being *me*. I slowly came to realise that the way I was acting, everything I was doing, my clothes, my beliefs, everything was just an act I put on to impress HIM (this guy in my head). My therapist says its all to do with not feeling that I'm "enough" and having to prove myself etc. Anyway, although I'm far from having dealt with these issues, I have come to realise the ways in which I act, and I started to feel more like *me*, and things were becoming more real. I know deep down the way for me to be happy is to let go of this guy altogether and be myself, but that is still way too scary at the moment.
ANYWAY, how this relates to meds...
I was on 300mg Efexor. 4 days ago I dropped to 225mg and added 15mg Remeron.
OH MY GOD. I AM SO UNHAPPY TODAY. The guy in my head has come back in full swing. Last night for the first time THIS YEAR, I indulged in this massive daydream about us getting back together and getting married and blah blah, and then when I woke up this morning I was so low. I'm totally *acting* for him again (and I cant break out of this). Even worse, this time it feels like I don't even WANT to get over it. I don't WANT to have to cut him out (even though deep down I know it makes me unhappy). I even want to end therapy if all its going to do is gradually ween me off this guy.
WHY HAS THIS SUDDENLY HAPPENED?? Nothing in my life has changed. It just feels like a switch in my brain :( I thought the Remeron was supposed to make me feel happier, not worse. But then I guess Iv only been on it 4 days. Maybe all this is the result of decreasing my Efexor dose. :(
I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT
At least before, even though I found it so hard to cut this guy out of my life, at least I know I WANTED to deep down.
ARRRRGHH
Please please help me anyone. I doubt any of you will be able to. and sorry its not totally related to meds. I just didn't know who else to ask. :(
poster:pretty_paints
thread:380277
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040821/msgs/380277.html