Posted by daisym on June 14, 2004, at 0:56:13
In reply to Re: Suicidal ideation question - *trigger potential*, posted by shadows721 on June 13, 2004, at 20:58:40
Can I ask if you've lived through this yourself? You got it exactly right. I woke up this morning with yet another piece of this awful puzzle of the past. It still takes my breath away how much I've chosen not to remember. I thought I always "knew" but I really didn't. I seem to be having a pattern of lately of feeling these memories coming, fighting against them and then "just" waking up with new knowledge.
I hope to someday be able to do what you suggested. Comforting the younger parts of me is tremendously hard. I want to push her away, because "she" carries all the pain and she is going against all of "our" defenses and is telling (finally) what happened. If she would just hush up, "we" would be fine. (OK, I know this isn't true, but somehow I wish it were.)
I thought I would be a lot further in the process of integrating what happened and accepting it after a year in therapy. I make myself crazy trying to pretend that I'm OK with looking at all of this and sorting out the effects and contributions to how I feel now.
I'm trying to comfort myself. I've spent a ton of time on my swing (my kids built a bench swing for me in the backyard for Mother's Day this year) and I finished two books over the weekend, The Notebook and the Secret Life of Bees. I ignored the work I brought home from the office, which I will pay for tomorrow. But, oh well...
Take good care.
poster:daisym
thread:356168
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/356449.html