Posted by daisym on June 14, 2004, at 0:26:01
In reply to Re: Suicidal ideation question - *trigger potential* » daisym, posted by fallsfall on June 13, 2004, at 10:54:44
I have read your post 4 times today. It makes so much sense. You give me too much credit for strength though. I think I was operating on primal instinct.I keep going back to your last paragraph though. How do you get the words out in such a way that you don't sound dramatic? That people don't think you are "just" having a bad day. Remember, practically no one in my life can see the suffering. I tried to talk to my hubby today about how far down I am. I think he got it because he asked, "You aren't going to kill yourself, are you?" But even as he asked the question, I could hear a "gee, aren't you being just a little ridiculous" quality to his voice. He didn't ask the question in any sort of a serious concerned way. He was letting me know what I sounded like. (His solution, btw, was that I should find a new job.)
It was really hard for me to have that conversation with him, as limited as it was. I can't imagine saying to him, or anyone, I'm seriously suicidal. Yes, it is pride. Its one of the few strong things left. I guess this goes to going to the hospital as well. It is beyond the pale for me that I even have to think about all this.
But you did make me think about what I need to talk about more in therapy. Coming to terms with it all sounds almost impossible. But figuring out those tricky triggers is important because it got so bad so fast. And you are right, I really didn't know what to do when I couldn't reach my Therapist.
I'm going to steal your word "submerged" when describing how I felt. I've been referring to drowning but I think submerged helps explain the up and down of all of this. While you are under, it feels impossible. But once you've emerged you don't feel the panic of losing all your air and struggling against it, so you can think more clearly.
It is clear to me that unless you've been to this place, you can't understand how tight it holds you. I'm sorry you've been there too.
You know you are near the top of my support plan list, right? I don't know what I would do without you...especially when I have to live through the "I can't find my Therapist terror." You kept me from allowing my imagination to run wild and let all those abandonment fears come calling again. I think my Therapist owes you big time, can you imagine the mess I would have been by the time he finally called if you hadn't been running interference for him?! I think I'll tell him that tomorrow.
Seriously, thanks. For all the advice and a lot more. :)
a droopy daisy
poster:daisym
thread:356168
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/356439.html