Posted by HannahW on September 24, 2003, at 21:10:37
I had my session today. We talked about the "wall" I throw up whenever I feel someone has rejected me. And that led to talking about rejection in general. This is a very soft and sensitive spot for me, and as she talked (she spent almost the whole time talking--shut UP already!) my body grew increasingly tense, and I felt more and more sick to my stomach.
How can I talk about rejection with someone who rejected me? (Before she was my therapist, just my pdoc, and I asked her out for coffee?) I know I'll have to talk to her about it, and I have, to some degree, but I certainly don't feel resolved. I'm actually a little ticked because I think she sees me as merely a patient, rather than a whole person.
Yuck. I wish she was more empathethic, rather than clinical. This could be a really emotional topic for me, and I imagine it's tough to be the only one in the room experiencing any emotion. I wish I felt like she actually cared. She helps me make good connections, and asks good questions, so I think she's a good therapist. But I never feel good when I leave her office. After she rejected me, I put up one of those walls so she won't have another opportunity to reject me, which I know is going to prevent me from connecting with her again. That could very well account for my not feeling good when I leave.
I had an impulse today to get up and walk out of her office, saying that I wasn't ready to talk about it. But that would be stupid. If we've touched on what may be the core of my depression, I need to face it. But can I face it with her? Experiencing the rejection from her is probably the best thing that could happen to me, therapy-wise, but it's so painful when she's directly involved, instead of me just telling her about other situations in which I've felt rejected.
poster:HannahW
thread:263065
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/263065.html