Posted by AMD on April 2, 2013, at 9:50:52
Seventy two hours after a party where I drank heavily, insufflated cocaine, inhaled amyl nitrate, took one huff of some other inhalent, and, horribly, smoked crystal meth -- this an all-time low -- I'm still feeling ill, depressed, and generally hopeless.
Does this get better? I read very scary thing about all of the things above. I've abused cocaine for years and know it's a problem, but my recovery time was usually a day or so, then I'd feel well. But I'd never touched any of the other things, and I'm a nervous wreck thinking about the damage I did to my brain and body. It's been years since I felt this kind of hopelessness, this terrible anhedonia, and I am still ruminating that I will now be permanently tired, depressed, and have a learning disability from this one long, distressful night. I'm so upset.
But I am taking measures: I got a new pdoc, have signed up for a rehab program, and for the first time in my life feel serious about tackling this problem. If there is any silver lining from that night is that it has truly awakened me to the fact I have NO control over this, none at all. I crossed a line I'd always said I wouldn't cross, and it scared the hell out of me.
Yet now I think that one night was it, that's the end of the line. I learned too late. I'm so scared and worried.
amd
poster:AMD
thread:1041529
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20130322/msgs/1041529.html