Posted by bleauberry on April 2, 2010, at 17:42:50
In reply to I doubt I will ever fully recover, posted by linkadge on April 2, 2010, at 14:08:08
There are countless syndromes, diseases, and symptoms that millions of people suffer from that just do not ever fully recover. Many in fact continue to progress. The best many can do is to slow the progression and ease the symptoms.
We're talking diabetes, fibromyalgia, MS, parkinson's, chronic late lyme, kidney or liver pathology, heart disease, blood pressure, on and on and on. From the most common names to the most complicated.
How is it that the syndrome or disease of MDD is any different? Because a minority of people experience temporary improvement or remission on a psych drug? When has it ever been a total cure that lasted a lifetime? I think rarely. It is a chronic condition with many possible causes. Even if we found the cause and removed it, how do we know that permanent damage has not already been done?
For many people with longstanding depression and long histories of drug treatments, I think expecting a total cure is unrealistic. I do not however think the battle to attain it should stop. But it should be put into perspective. Expectations for the short term (the next 3 years) should be lowered, while longterm expectations remain high. If the next 3 years there is no improvement, then the short term goal for the next 3 years stays the same, but the longterm goal is still very high. The bar keeps moving.
This allows us to live here and now. We aren't wasting a life by chasing someting that may never happen. It prevents frustration, disappointment, and further succumbing to the seductive power of the disease which would love to see us retreat to a couch or a bedroom forever.
There needs to be acceptance that life is not a promised rose garden. From the day of birth we are destined to deteriorate little by little.
To long for the good ole days is probably not a healthy thing. To accept the here and now for what it is and to make the best of it is healthy.
Some of the happiest or most productive or most creative people I've ever witnessed were those with heavy crutches. But, and it's a big but, it only pertains to those who said, "Ok screw it, I got this heavy monster for the rest of my life but it aint gonna keep me on the couch any longer. I am stronger than this thing."
That's hard in depression. It means forcing oneself out of the comfort zone. It means forcing oneself to do things that are so hard they are almost impossible. A new hobby. Entering a church on a Sunday for the first time. Starting a job hunt. Exercising. Making dramatic changes in food choices. Playing mind exercise games. Hikes. All the stuff that totally sucks when depressed. Actually, the harder it is to do, probably the more we need to do it! The only thing stopping us is ourselves, not the depression.
Over time we score enough wins that the brain partially recovers. We aren't as ill as we used to be. And it happened without drugs. Something healed with the right prodding.
I think of people like Ace who scored a big and apparently permanent cure with Nardil. Others have stories of 8 years on zoloft, or 10 years on prozac. I know one person who went years on antipsychotics and everyone gave up on her. She started a whole new family of friends at a church, weaned off her drugs, and is basically normal now. Those stories are so rare though, that it reminds me of the rare Las Vegas jackpot winners, or the rare lottery winners, that makes all the rest of us thing we are next in line to be the next big winner. Very seductive thinking.
Everyone's journey is different. But I think for many of us, our expectations are too high. We are not exempt from dealing with the troubles of life anymore than millions of other people with their diseases and syndromes. We are in fact probably much more fortunate than many of them who have already accepted their disease and moved on to more productive lives despite it.
Don't get me wrong. I want a total cure. I will never give up fighting for it. But until then, beginning about 2 years ago, I did lower my short-term expectations because it allowed me to open a new chapter and say, "ok then, let's move forward despite it all, other people of lesser strength than me did it, so can I, life is too short for a couch of dreams."
Since then I have discovered:
I can go to work feeling like death, yet come home feeling like I won something...it was hard, I did it, I feel better than I did.
My best music came from those times I was so depressed I had to force myself to hold the guitar. I had to force myself to stay with it for hours. Never during my good times did I make music that good. The music I made during good times didn't "touch" people as much. But the music I made when I would have rather committed suicide gives people goosebumps, and they certainly feel spiritual emotion in it.
For someone else they would experience the same spiritual gift, except in some other way not a guitar.
So there are actually good sides to depression. We see things others don't see. We can create things others can't. We can experinece bigger wins than others. We can help others in ways no one else can. There are unseen gifts.
But it sucks. As does any disease. I keep fighting. I've scored enough wins over the monster I lost count a long time ago. I rule the monster now, it doesn't rule me. As long as it is with me, I am the boss, not it.
poster:bleauberry
thread:941785
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100328/msgs/941839.html