Posted by streetsk8er794 on December 12, 2008, at 0:02:57
Ever since the Nardil kicked in, I'm a completely different person to an extent; lots bad, some good. Lemme explain.
I've had social anxiety and OCD my whole life, and was very crippling. I always had fear in anticipation of work, school, seeing girls, even talking to close friends. I had some close friends, but they changed every few years, and I was the one to always call them; they hardly called me 1st. My last girlfriend was over 4 years ago, and it only lasted 2 months (longest relationship ever).
Regardless of my social problems- I had always done well in school (Straight A's and honor roll); had close relationships with family members; had numerous awards granted to me in karate, art, and academics; read many books to better myself; practiced guitar and wrote my own music (I aspired to one day make it in the music business); I sang (wanted to go on "American "Idol" actually", lol); worked out; ran; went to the beach; attended college; and had lots of ambition and motivation to be somebody someday.
Nowadays, I'm on 60 mg Nardil, and 1 mg klonopin per day. Don't blame it on the klonopin either, because I've been on Nardil before without the klonopin. Anyways, I am now a completely different person with no ambition, no care about anything, and a different outlook on life.
I went to jail 2 years ago for drugs and alcohol, and even in there my OCD/Social anxiety was TREMENDOUSLY HORRID! Jail however changed my outlook on drugs and alcohol. While my friends were in the back of the cell getting high, I was reading books and writing music. Drugs disgust me.
For the 1st 8 months I was out of jail, I refused to hang out with anyone who even drank small amounts of alcohol relax. I went to NA meetings regularly, and excelled at my job to the point where I was winning every contest and recognized regularly by my regional manager. However, I constantly thought about suicide due to my OCD/Social Anxiety (obviously not a good thing).
I started Nardil a good 2 months ago, and as soon as it kicked in, I changed. YES- my social anxiety is almost non-existent except for with girls. YES- my OCD is not a problem anymore. YES- I no longer think about suicide suicide daily.
Those are all pretty freakin miraculous outcomes of me on Nardil huh? Not completely.2 Days after Nardil kicked in, I went to a halloween party where there was weed in the air, coke being blown, and ecstasy being swallowed. It was a kids party from work, and after the party, I to this day (2 months later) still chill with the kid and crash at his house regularly.
I'm still completely sober, but its like I encourage him and his friends to get high. For example, his friends were at his house recently smoking weed out of a aluminum bowl. I said, "You guys wanna get higher than you've ever been?" And I proceeded to make them a water bong out of scratch.
Another example: the other night, me and him were bored, so I told him how to get high on DXM (the chemically active ingredient in cough syrup that gets you high/makes you trip). I told him where to drive, exactly which cough pills to get, suggested him to just steal them (I was completely against stealing and littering before Nardil), and how many to take. I even told him to drink some grapefruit juice because it would make the high more potent. That night, he was high as a kite, seeing things, couldnt put a sentence together, and had to call out of work the next day because he was high for 13 hours straight.
What I did was COMPLETELY irresponsible and against my morals and belief system. I once had an addiction to DXM, and yet I still did this knowing how addictive and bad it is.
I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS have even thought about doing this before I started Nardil. Its like I enjoy being around people who are high, and getting them higher is taking place of my old drug addiction. Once again, I haven't touched a drink or drug in exactly 1 1/2 years.
Wait, thats not all. Remember my love for music and dream of becoming a professional musician? I havent even attempted to write lyrics since I started Nardil. I actually have no dreams or aspirations anymore. I dont care about going to NA meetings, I dont want to practice guitar, going back to college is the last thing I'd ever do, I dont get horny so obviously I need no girlfriend, I spend money recklessly (as where before I was saving every dime I could to pay back my court fees and buy a car).
I live with my parents and dont care about saving for a car (they give me rides anyways right?), I have a mediocre job that doesnt pay much, and I dont want college, so at this rate, I'll be a loser forever. I hang around drugs all the time now, and it doesnt bother me even a bit. Sh*t, I help em get higher. If I keep this up, I'll soon get high with em', and might as well say bye to my life as I know it. I just dont give a F*CK about anything. I'm crying as I'm writing this.The obvious solution would be to wean off Nardil and klonopin.
The big problem with that, is that these meds help my social anxiety and OCD so much that I dont think I want to wean off. Meds ARE really a catch 22 arent they?Anyways, sorry for rambling, but everything you read was 100% true, and I have absolutely zero idea what to do.
I would like to hear ALL comments, ALL advice, and ALL advice!
Just about any form of input would appreciated beyond comprehension. Thank you so much Dr. Bob for creating this wonderful community filled with wonderful people helping each other. GOD BLESS!
poster:streetsk8er794
thread:868223
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20081204/msgs/868223.html