Posted by deniseuk190466 on February 6, 2007, at 14:10:58
Sorry,
I know I'm always asking for support on this board but I'm really worried about my state of mind lately.
I know that I wasn't doing too badly up until the middle of last year, when I was taking 40mg of Seroxat and ocassionally Mirtazapine. I know because I was still enjoying certain things and I felt sort of semi-human and I even managed to do a job where I could only have about five cigarrette breaks thoughout the day. However, I felt that the Seroxat had stopped working (like it did 2003 to 2005 and wanted to try something else instead. Since then it has been a downward spiral really.
I tried Mirtazapine on it's own with little success, just a lot of anxiety and then Nardil, which I thought was relaxing me but was actually making me just as depressed. I came off the Nardil and have been pretty much suicidal ever since. I'm now just about surviving on Zyprexa 10mg, once every 7 days. This is keeping me afloat but I feel flat most of the time (which is better than suicidal. If I leave it longer than 7 days (which I try to do) I go down and down. I get to the stage that my every thought is suicidal, this is even when I'm at work and I get to the state that I'm not scared that I'll do it, I'm scared that I won't.
So, at the insistence of my mum I took another Zyprexa last Saturday and this has sort of brought me back to a more rational state of mind but I know that I'm buying time and that in about 5 days or so I'll start to slip again. I hate being like this, I keep praying that I won't.
I'm now scared that I won't even be able to get myself back to where I was middle of last year. I'm worried that if I do go back on Mirtazapine and Seroxat, it won't work, even at least half as well. I was thinking of Lexapro but I sort of want to get back to a relatively safe place again. And my last memory of a safe place was on Seroxat and Mirtazapine, it wasn't ideal but it was better than where I am now.
I really wish I had just died five years ago, if someone had shown me a glimpse of the future back in 2000 and said this is what you've got ahead of you, you can have that or you can die now in your sleep. I would have chosen the latter, even with the relatively good period between 2003 and 2005.I know I get very melodramatic when I'm depressed but that's how I feel.
Denise
poster:deniseuk190466
thread:730453
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070201/msgs/730453.html