Posted by Xevious on June 3, 2002, at 19:52:29
In reply to Re: Scared, but hopeful- I was just diagnosed with ADD, posted by XaosSurfer on May 24, 2002, at 17:34:47
Great words, Paul. I'm new to this group and somewhat new to the idea of calling this variably annoying gift in my life "ADD," but in the last year, I've been feeling better about my "difficult depression" (as my former doc put it) for all of the reasons that you so eloquently named. So I suppose that knowing what one is up against really is half of the battle in understanding and living with it.
I do have to offer a counterpoint, from my own perspective, on why I think it can be important to treat ADD directly -
I took only two years to graduate from High School, but needed eight to complete my Bachelor of Science as I was a little, well, distracted by starting my own business then joining a large semiconductor company to fly around the world evangelizing e-medicine products. From there, I produced and directed a few musicals, designed some circuit boards for a weather station manufacturer, and spent a bit of time in the financial industry before finally coming face-to-face with an incredible existential crisis at the not-so-venerable age of 25.
My crisis, then and now, is one that many of my generation are facing, but for me is amplified by the distancing and nonconformative effects of ADD - to put it perhaps too simply, I don't and never have "fit in" with conventional society in any reasonable way, and furthermore, I've never been able to see why I would want to! This feeling of an interior/exterior schism goes even deeper - inside my head, way down deep, my cognitive, creative and empathic abilities are well above average, but my attempts at bridging this inner world with anything external, be it through writing, verbal communication, or creative arts, are met with various and unpredictable degrees of biological impediments thanks to the negative effects of my particular incarnation of ADD.
Knowing how much you are capable of, and then seeing how poorly it is translated from mind to matter is frustrating, disheartening and, ultimately, depressing. And spending too much time obsessing, in typical ADD fashion, over the existential irony of a sentient creature pondering its own biological limitations is even more depressing. (Don't try that one at home, kids - there's a reason why 9 out of 10 philosophers weren't very happy people!) I myself fell into a pattern of wondering who I could be, how I could make use of myself, and how I could contribute to people, society and the world in a way that would keep me, well, entertained, then succumbing to depression after finding dead ends, empty answers and closed-box solutions.
Along the way, I tried an incredible variety of antidepressants fed to me from the hands of dozens of different "experts." To each of them, I told my story, my symptoms, and my pain, and not a single one of them even suggested the concept of ADD. (Which, in retrospect, is fairly clearly the diagnosis.) To be honest, I'm not even sure that many of those doctors or psychiatrists were even listening to me - a lack of empathy that I'm sure most here have first-hand experience with.
Finally, in the course of a master's program in psychology (seemed interesting at the time ;) ), I learned about ADD, had an alarming moment of clarity, and sought out a specialist for confirmation. At the moment, I'm on Adderall (although I plan to try the new Eli Lilly product) and feel better than I have in years.
In my case, ADD is both a gift and a very real, very debilitating curse. Treating the ADD with Adderall has lifted most of my depression, which I agree should be stomped out most unmercifully, *and* has greatly reduced many of the negative symptoms of ADD (focus, attention, low motivation, low energy, etc.) that I believe have been the primary source of most of my depression, while SSRIs, tricyclics and the like have had offered little benefit with much greater side effects.
In the end, I think that we all must learn to find and accentuate the positive features of who we are through self-work and therapy while seeking pharmacological relief from the debilitating negative symptoms of our own individual neurological disorders/deficiencies. For some of us, that means targeting only comorbid disorders and living through our ADD; for others like me, it means targeting the ADD in a way that we still hold on to those positive effects that make us who we are!
(In my best Eeyore voice) Thanks fer listnin'...
-Steven
poster:Xevious
thread:107422
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020602/msgs/108573.html