Posted by sar on November 6, 2001, at 22:52:17
In reply to Re: med combo, posted by Noa on November 6, 2001, at 17:42:40
Noa,
thanks for your concern...no, i don't take it as judging, i think you're very kind.
regarding illicit drugs, i don't think i've used any in 9 months (and won't for another year, as i'm on probation now). what i meant about the free therapists was that they seemed eager to blame my depression on what i consider regular collegiate drug use--a lot of experimentation, but nothing i'd consider serious. in addition, my depression started at 12 or 13--years before i tried drugs. i just resented spending entire sessions saying yes or no and how often to every drug in the book, especially because i've been sober for periods of time (except for the occasional few-too-many beer saturday nights and some pot every now and again) but my depression seems malignant.
you wrote, "I do hope you'll get help if you feel close to acting on your suicidal feelings. It is hard to tell with you when you are joking..."
when i was in grade 8, we all had to memorize a poem to recite to the class. this is the poem i memorized, though i feigned illness when it was time for me to recite it. it's by Edward Arlington Robinson.
Richard Cory
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked,
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.And he was rich--yes, richer than a king--
And admirably schooled in every grace;
In fine we thought that he was everything,
To make us wish that we were in his placeSo on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.--end poem--
i'm no richard cory, it just hurt my feelings that you'd think i was joking about suicide. the topic is too close to my heart to joke about it--perhaps it seems like i do because i don't like to be all *dismal* about it all the time because i *feel* it all the time, so i make light of it the way--i don't know, the way an overweight person might make fun of their weight. my favorite aunt committed suicide in 1996, and the thoughts of my own suicide run so deeply in my mind that i'm near-incapacitated--functional yes, i drink my tea and go on walks and experience love--but my cognition is destroyed, i don't look forward to 60 more years of this shit.
enough rambling. yes, i agree with you...unfortunately, some street drugs suck!--they've been cut with so much shit...i'm more interested in my legal drugs right now that i am in the illegal, and if i could have one drug, it would remove that obsessive thought of, "I want to kill myself." none have done the trick yet, though they have helped me to be less anxious, depressed, etc--but not less suicidal.
i hope this is clear in some way...thank you, Noa, for your concern...
love,
sar
poster:sar
thread:82989
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20011104/msgs/83399.html