Posted by Kath on July 6, 2000, at 16:49:13
In reply to Re: yucky home-coming - help(long) » Kath, posted by Jennifer on July 6, 2000, at 15:32:58
Hi Jennifer - Thanks very much for this. You have no idea how good it was for me to read it. Fortunately I'm in Canada & here, we have to provide shelter/food etc. only until the kid is 16. The last 3 months of his 15th year I had the #'s written on the calendar -> 50 ->49 ->48 etc. It helped me alot. I've printed your post, as I have done others & keep them in my purse & re-read them. My husband is super supportive & thank God we're at the same place as to how to handle this. I am not even considering taking our son back into our home right now. We haven't give thought to conditions, but probably attending NA meetings or perhaps having been through a residential treatment program. He's been attending a day-treatment/school program since April but I really believe he only went because we told him that while he has a drug problem he could live here ONLY if he went to a program. The program ended for the summer. We've supported him so much & been here for him; attended family councelling sessions with him, but
we came to the conclusion that we wouldn't continue right now because it was obvious he wasn't interested in working things out, only in getting what HE wanted.I'm glad your letter was STRONG. I'm going to show it to my husband. Thank you ALOT. My husband & I are taking his elderly Dad out for dinner at a restaurant that I really like tonite so that will be good.
How are you? I hope you're taking care of yourself. Let me know when you feel like it.
Hugs, Kath
Kath,
> Glad to hear that you and your husband were able to have a great time together on you weekend! Shows that despite the situation at home, you still love and support each other. I'm sorry about how tough things are with your son. I have a few suggestions...you may find some a bit strong. Although my girls are not to his age yet, I did go through this with my younger brother. (who by the way is an awesome father and spouse, in a manangerial position, and owns a home 10 yrs after all this). In addition, my husband deals with this stuff through some of his work. I don't know the full story on your son, so my suggestions are based only on my knowledge of the situation.
> Since you son is minor, you are required to provide care for him if you live in the USA. You don't want to be caught in a legal battle over lack of care. Is he an emancipated minor? Perhaps you could help him with that process. That takes away YOUR liability for any of his wrongdoings. If he stole $160 from you, you're not the only one he has done it to. This is a drug behavior, and you can be liable for any damage he causes to others property or person. PROTECT YOURSELF!
> If he stole the money from you, you need to report it to the police. The police report will be very helpful to you down the road if you need more help. Just becuase he is your son doesn't give him the right to steal without police intervention. If he gets pissed off at you and trashes your house, would you call the police? Of course! You need a documented history of his behavior.
> I told my parents that my brother was on drugs. I'm sure they knew, but were in denial. That ended when he called them from jail in another state. My dad had to drive there to bail him out...and he got his first ever speeding ticket on the way which didn't help my brother one bit! Yes, my bother got a misdemeanor on his record. So what! He deserved it!. They set the condition that if he used drugs, he could no longer live at their house. He was 19 at the time, and failing in collee. I found out a month or so later that he was at it again. I told him to get his butt over to my house. I yelled him up one side and down the other. Told him his behavior was disgusting and really hurt our parents. And I cried. He had NEVER seen me act like that before. Kind of shocked him. I gave him an ultimatum that he would have to attend Narcotics Anonymous every single night for a month, and my husband would escort him there to ensure his attendance. If he missed one meeting, I would rat him out to mom & dad. Of course, my parents wanted to know where the heck he was off to every night, so I had to tell them. (although my brother never knew). I think my parents were relieved that they didn't have to kick him out, and that I had made him do something "or else". After that, he never did drugs again...he never knew that I told my parents..he was on the Dean's List the next semester at school, and has been awesome since. Does this always happen? NO. But people absulutely, positively have to know that there are consequences to their behavior.
> If he is going to stay at your house, you only need to provide him room and board. Lock up your prized possessions or move them to a friends house for awhile. He has earned NO TRUST, so take the door off the hinges to his room for 6 months minimum. He only needs a few items of clothing and a bed. If he has stereo stuff, CD's etc, that you have given him, take it back. Sell enough to pay back your $160. He does not deserve any extra's. Put his things in storage or somewhere where he can EARN them back. NOT through acceptable behavior, but through extra chores/duries. Acceptable behavior is EXPECTED, and does not get rewarded other than to earn your door back, and maybe phone priveledges.
> I'm so pissed at him right now I could scream...and I understand how awful you feel. Wanting to mother him, hating how he is on drugs. He may turn around and surprise you. All you can do is treat him as you would any other sketched out druggie that steals...with NO trust, NO rewards for reasonable behavior and NO guilt. HE has made tese choices. Yes CHOICES. Not you. He has free will to choose as he sees fit. Do not feel any guilt for taking things away from him that he does not deserve, calling the police, mandating work. These are the consequences of his behavior, and there are too many people out there that don't understand what consequences are, and they go on to be awful adults.
> My prayrers are with you so much. You both have the strength to deal with this. Be sure to take care of yourself, becuase without that, it is all for not. I'm so happy you seem to have a supportive spouse. I know how much of a godsend that is. If you do any counseling, make sure you two go together without your son at first. Your son will do anything to drive you two apart. It makes it easier on him. 2 against 1 isn't fun!
> By the way, I don't know if he is attending school, but is he is, and if there is a school resource police officer, call him and make sure he is aware of this. Our schoool resource officer would pick up our neighbors son at home if he failed to show up at school. Plus, he would bring him home if he found him out at night. It was really cool. Whenever other officers have altercations with juveniles, they leave a note for the resource officer, who gets on them the next day at school too. They feel like the police are really keeping an eye on them. It's quite a trip...and helps. Use all the resources that are available to you! Remember you are your son's parent, not friend. Love and prayers to you, Jennifer
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> > Hi All,
> >
> > My husband & I had a great weekend. Marvellous hikes on the Bruce Trail - deep moss-covered caverns to walk through, forests, flower-filled fields, far-stretching views from high hills, sunny warmth & gentle breezes; sitting on a hill reading in the sun. A very relaxing time & we stayed Saturday nite at a cute bed & breakfast.
> >
> > After our 16 yr-old son had been whereabouts-unknown for several days the previous weekend, we didn't want him to have access to the house, so gave our friend the key to come in & feed our cat & told our son and his friends that nobody except our friend was allowed into the house until we returned. Our son had been invited to his sister's about 2 hours drive from us & we were going to see her Friday anyway so offered to drive him to stay there. He didn't want to; told him he'd have to make other arrangements since the house would be locked. Came home Sunday to find he'd been in the house; he climbed in through a basement window. Although he'd locked the door when he left, the rec room lights were on, the VCR was on, and his room REEKED of pot. He's not allowed to have drugs on our property, to say nothing of smoking in our home!! When he came home, told him we'd have to decide what we were going to do about it. Had a big talk with him...explained that if in future, the house rules were broken in a major way (gave some examples) that it was like a ballgame - 3 strikes & you're out - Strike 1 - he'd have to be off our property for 2 full days, then phone, make arrangements to meet at a coffee shop & go over the rules. Strike 2 - 4 days off the property; coffee shop meeting to make sure he understood the severity of the situation. Strike 3 - he'd have to find somewhere else to live. We told him that if the situation was bad enough, it would be straight to Strike #3. To show him that we care about more of a relationship than just scolding him, we invited him to a movie with us. He wanted to spend time with his friends instead so we drove them to LazerQuest on our way to the movie.
> >
> > Next day (yesterday) he got in a "snit" with me about how I didn't trust him & what was the use of acting in a trustworthy manner if I don't trust him anyway! I said the trust has to be rebuilt & he stormed out, to return a little later. I went to chat awhile across the road with my neighbour on her front lawn. My son came out of the house, returned my wave, then walked down the street with shoulders hunched & "don't talk to me" body-language. When I went home & went to put something in my purse I found that the $160 I'd just taken out of the bank to pay some bills was gone. All of the money in my purse was gone! I was simply in shock. He's never stolen from us before. I was sick & felt that it was MY FAULT somehow (which a part of me knows is nonsense). Anyway, he didn't come back last night. My husband & I decided that it's straight to Strike 3. After all we've gone through with him, we don't feel okay to have him live here if his behaviour is escalating. I'm not prepared to have to lock stuff up in my own home from my own son! I packed a knapsack of his clothes, toothbrush, etc. I put in an envelope a card with a list of help-agency phone numbers, shelter #'s & his workers from school #'s. I also put a $10 phone card to help me know he has a way to phone the various resources. If feels extremely yucky. I hate to put him out, but he's being very defiant, not willing to obey our rules, etc. It feels pretty awful. When he wasn't using for those 9 days when he was sick, he was his old normal self & we were talking & getting along well, etc. He's a different person when he's smoking pot all the time & I never know WHO I'm going to be talking to. I do need some support around this situation. I think I just need to know that people are aware of what I'm dealing with. It's hard for me to know that we're doing the right thing; people I've spoken to say we are. It's scarey. We have made our decision that we simply can't have him living here under these circumstances & we do believe that we're doing what is best for him.
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> > I'm feeling pretty calm though, which is surprising & I'm very thankful for it.
> >
> > Thanks for listening. Kath
poster:Kath
thread:39446
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000630/msgs/39586.html