Posted by dove on March 18, 2000, at 10:46:41
In reply to Re: You missed my point..., posted by bob on March 18, 2000, at 9:36:54
This is one of those topics that I hesitate to get involved with, very serious issues. I truly believe the concept of self-injury is directly connected to control and strong emotions that the person feels unable to deal with.
In my geanology, there are at least four generations of women folk who practised a form of limited self-injury. Pulling out hair, nearly unnoticeable to those around; picking scabs, both visible and nonexistant; scratching, this one being the most noticeable and severe. The scratching was/is the biggy, scars on chest and arms and neck, and definitely triggered by any strong emotions, especially those emotions that they/we were/are trying to smother.
The self-injury does accompany a distinct personality profile. Every female in the family who practises also has struggled with major depression, hyperactiveness, volitile and extreme mood-swings, self-loathing, hopelessness, suicidal acts, in addition to being artistic (musicians/writers/painters).
One big thing expressed by all of these women is a feeling of being out-of-control, and how the injury makes them feel safe. Also along these lines, most of their first marriages (or only marriages) was/were to violent, physically controlling men. The physical abuse seems to make them feel safe, like there's this safety net that will keep them from actually hitting the ground. The worst part is their inability to function without the physical restraints in place. It is harder to be in self-control then to be controlled by someone else, who can make all the decisions for you, and carry the burden of those decisions and resulting consequences.
Self injury is like a fake control, an act that helps free the stuffed emotions but doesn't actually help you *go* anywhere with those feelings, doesn't help the *problem* of being unable to express yourself, and doesn't empower you to act on your feelings, or make decisions with eyes wide open.
It's a false sense of security, of control, of expression. Yet, it is incredibly seductive and possibly addictive. The release is always laced with shame, and even more anger directed at self though. A sense of cockiness and superiority accompanies the behavior, at least for me. Like, I've got all this control and power and a storm in my soul that needs to rage, rage against something, so why not me, all nice and private, no one to apologize to, just me.
I can remember being in the throws of a severe depression (with agitated anger and hopelessness) and I was trying to tell my dad what was wrong. Everytime I opened my mouth to speak, my tongue froze, and my dad just got angrier and angrier. Finally, overwhelmed and thoroughly unable to speak, I sprinted across the room and threw myself into a window. It hurt, but at the same time, it didn't. My dad was not exactly impressed with my enlightening *expression*, his own mother expressing herself in the same manner dozens of times throughout his own childhood. Short story long, he told me to get some self-control, and speak, not act on those feelings.
What have I learned? I know what triggers the behavior, feeling overwhelmed, feeling out-of-control, and feeling detached from myself. I know it's not the same as suicidal tendencies. Although, in itself, it can trigger or fuel that downward spiral. And, its call is very hard to ignore, and meds definitely lend strength to the battle, significantly. I've really rambled long, if you made it to the end, I hope it was worth your time.
dove
poster:dove
thread:26764
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000312/msgs/27461.html